JOE PALEN (on the bench)

To Pursue, or Not To Pursue?

2012-02-09T06:16:00.001-08:00

I don't tend to pursue any extracurricular activities on a daily basis. Not for long, anyway.

Is that wrong?

Rather than labeling it right or wrong, I'm just going to say that it is what it is.

It is who I am.

I do things in spurts. To deny this is to deny myself.

I'm not going to force myself to put forth daily effort on anything.

That's not to say I've never forced myself. I have. And the way I see it now, that was a mistake.

When I've forced myself, it hasn't made me happy.

Forcing myself to do things is... well... a chore. That's pretty much the definition of a chore. It's something you don't want to do. You're forced to do it. It doesn't matter if you're being forced by someone else, or by yourself. If you're doing what you don't want to do, it's a chore.

And who in their right mind would pursue a chore?

Isn't happiness the whole point of pursuing things? And if it isn't the point, then I don't see the point.

We pursue things because we're not satisfied. We want more. More stuff. More experiences. More... fill-in-the-blank.

We want more.

If we didn't want more fill-in-the-blank, we wouldn't be pursuing more fill-in-the-blank. We'd be content with the fill-in-the-blank that we have.

One of my problems, and likely the problem of many others, is that I do want more fill-in-the-blank, but I'm not compelled to take action. At least, not on a regular basis.

In itself, that's not a problem. I mean, not being compelled. So what if I'm not compelled?

The problem comes when I'm not compelled to do something, and I hear this little voice in my head telling me that I need to be working harder.

Who said that?

Who is that little voice?

Joe [shaking fist at sky]: Curse you, little voice!!

I have my moments. There are times when I'm compelled to take action every day. And guess what? During those times, I take action every day. And it feels great. It's not a chore.

But most of the time...

Spurts.

Which brings me back to my first point...

That's who I am.

I have to be happy with whatever my spurty action gets me. Well, I don't "have to" be. But I should be. Otherwise, it's a losing battle. If I'm not happy with the results of my spurty pursuits, then I'll never be happy.

How's that?

Let me explain.

Oh, please... let me explain!

I see two choices...

1. Force myself to work my ass off on a daily basis, whether I'm compelled or not.

2. Take action when I feel like taking action (see "Spurts").

Choice #1 is a chore. It's not who I am. It may give me better odds of getting to the mountaintop, but at what cost? And so what if I get to the mountaintop? What makes me think I'll be happy "up there" when the climb has been such a chore? And during the climb, I'm miserable because I've basically taken on another day job. I'm doing the current day job that I'd rather not be doing, and another day job that I'd rather not be doing in my "spare time" (which is no longer spare time).

Choice #2 is who I am. It may not get me to the mountaintop, but it will continue to get me a few things here and there. And along the way, I'm being myself. I have one day job, and the extra thing(s) that I'm compelled to do. And when I'm not compelled, I do nothing... except kick back and enjoy where I am... here and now. And if lightning strikes, and I do happen to wander my way up to the mountaintop, I'll arrive in a happy frame of mind, ready to enjoy the next climb. Or stop climbing. Whatever I'm compelled to do.

This isn't an exercise in figuring out what I want to do. It's an exercise in doing what I'm compelled to do... since I was compelled to write this morning.

It's also an exercise in communicating my choice... which is why I'm blogging instead of writing in my personal Journal.

This is not an exercise in telling you what to do. Your choice is up to you (see "duh").

My choice has already been made. I've made the mistake of choosing #1 at various points throughout my life. Now I chose #2.

Hopefully, I'll be wise enough to remember my choice, and not drift back into the trap of #1.

NO MORE OPEN CALLS – NO, REALLY – I MEAN IT THIS TIME

2011-05-31T16:12:00.000-07:00

I should have stuck with my "NO OPEN CALL" rule.

Why did I decide to break my own rule? Because it was my agent that told me about it. Even though it was an open call, people were being told about it by their agents, so I figured it would be different from the normal open call.

It wasn't.

At today's audition, it took over 2 hours to be seen (actually, that's short by open call standards)... and when I was seen, they didn't want to see me for the role I'd prepared for. That's part of the biz, right? But I think it's mainly part of the biz when you go to open calls.

It may sometimes be part of the biz when you're called in based on your headshot -- but not as often. Not if you look like your headshot -- which I do. If they've seen your headshot, glanced at your resume, and decide to call you in for an audition -- chances are, they'll read you for the part you've prepared for. When you're called in for an audition, somebody has picked you from the bunch based on your look. You've at least jumped one hurdle to get into the room.

They want you -- specifically you -- to be there, for a reason.

But for this audition, even though my agent told me about it, the folks making the film didn't see my headshot ahead of time. Had they seen it, they probably would not have called me in. At least, not for the role I spent all that time preparing for.

It's not just a "me" thing. They didn't see any of our headshots ahead of time. So many (maybe most?) of us would not have been called in for auditions had the production company filtered through our headshots ahead of time -- or had our agents only been asked to send a small sampling of actors specifically selected for the various roles.

Don't get me wrong. For some people, open calls are fine. And there was a time when I had no problem with them, either. They're part of paying your dues.

So, I'm not making a judgement call on open calls in general.

This is a personal choice arrived at after years of paying my dues.. and re-paying them... in various areas of the entertainment industry. My last straw (or should I say, second to last straw?) was when I auditioned for "Last Comic Standing" (2006). While I don't regret doing it, I swore that was my last open call. And it was...

Until today.

So, today I'm reiterating my rule.

I spent time preparing for a role that they didn't see me for, and the role they did have me read for is a role that I wasn't interested in reading for when I checked the list of roles for my type. When I was deciding whether or not to go to today's open call, I specifically decided to read for one of the roles that was more interesting -- and would be worth my time. We're talking about an Ultra Low Budget project, so for me, it has to be a role of a certain size and/or interest to even think about getting involved.

Look -- I know I'm not in the big leagues. So, I'm not saying I'm above certain kinds of work. Oh, wait. Yes I am. I don't work for sandwiches... anymore. I don't work for free... anymore. And I'm not interested in working as an extra, or having one or two lines, on an Ultra Low Budget project.

What's the point of that?

To get experience?

Just to work?

I've worked in the entertainment industry for years in one capacity or another. I've got experience. I know how to work. And I'm a lot more selective about what I'm willing to leave the house to work on these days.

For one thing, I don't even need to leave the house to work these days.

Without leaving my apartment, I'm working 5 days a week a week making YouTube videos... all on my own... with maybe as much chance of getting seen as a minor role in a ULB film. And even if what I'm doing on my own doesn't amount to something, at least it's mine -- and I don't have to audition for it.

What really left the bad taste in my mouth after the whole process was complete is that they didn't even bother to put me on tape. The reason I know some people were getting put on tape is because we could hear them auditioning as we were waiting in line. They'd rehearse, then they'd get put on tape.

Now, I know that it may just have been that they were only putting certain roles on tape. I'm not "supposed to" second guess what they're doing. They might very well just be making notes for the tiny roles, and not putting them on tape, even when they like the actor.

But... well... the bottom line to all of this is that I'm going back to the personal rule I'd set for myself after auditioning for Last Comic Standing. No open calls. Period.

Even if my agent tells me about it. An open call is still an open call.

Getting cast on a project is hard enough, even when the Director/CastingDirector/Producer call you in because your headshot matches a look they're going for.

Walking in cold... sucks.

Plain and simple.

It reminded me of those comedy gigs where the audience doesn't know there's going to be a comedy show. Performing is hard enough when people want you to be there. It's miserable when they don't.

And I didn't exactly feel like I was wanted there today. I had the feeling that the small part they had me read for was simply going through the motions. I could be wrong, but that's how it felt.

In any event, whether I'm right or wrong about how they felt, I know how I feel... and it ain't good. Not heartbroken or anything. But seriously... it took almost 4 hours of my day for a local San Diego audition (counting getting dressed and drive time) -- and that's not counting the hours of preparation time over the past couple of days.

And it turned out to be for a role I'm not right for -- that I didn't even get to read for.

It feels like I just went to LA... for one of those freakin' comedy hell gigs at a sports bar -- which, coincidentally, is where the audition was held. In a sports bar.

Ah, the ironies of life.

I don't go out of my way anymore to do sports bar comedy gigs in LA or Orange County in front of people who are playing pool and/or watching one of the 37 flatscreen TV's -- but I end up back in a sports bar in San Diego auditioning for somebody who might as well have been playing pool or watching one of the flatscreens.

Will I ever learn?

Probably not.

I'll wait a while and forget how much this sucked.

WAIT... BZZZT! Timeout!!

That's setting myself up for defeat. I call a personal foul on myself!

Replay...

I am NOT going to do ANY more OPEN CALLS. PERIOD.

Fates Worse Than Obscurity: Rebecca Black

2011-03-18T10:00:00.000-07:00

I may get banned from Hollywood for saying this, but here goes...

There are fates worse than obscurity.

Case in point: Rebecca Black.

If you don't know who or what I'm talking about... Google it.

In a nutshell, she's in a music video that's gone viral.

Actually, "viral" is an understatement. It's garnered so much attention on the Internet this past week that it's now also being covered by the mainstream media. We're not talking run-of-the-mill viral here. We're talking mega-viral. Every aspiring entertainer's dream, right?

Wrong.

Not for this aspiring entertainer, anyway.

Why am I not envious of Rebecca Black?

Much of the attention she's getting isn't good. Some are saying she's done the worst song/video ever. Rolling Stone called it an "unintentional parody of modern pop".

And it gets worse from there.

Numerous comments on YouTube and Twitter have gone way too far, saying things like "cut yourself" and "go die".

Obviously much more than she (and her mom) bargained for.

It reminds me of an old joke about wanting something "in the worst way", and then getting that thing...

In the worst way.

Of course, this is nothing new. A lot of people have achieved fame "in the worst way".

"Jersey Shore" anyone?

I'll refrain from making an exhaustive list. There's not enough time in the day for that.

Rebecca is just the latest in a long line of people who've achieved fame for something other than their talent. The sad thing is, Rebecca actually does appear to have some talent. I just heard her sing (without Auto-Tune) on "Good Morning America", and I think she has a decent voice. At the very least, her normal voice is a lot more pleasing than the Auto-Tuned version from the video.

But the sad truth is, her talent would never have ever gotten her the huge amount of attention she's getting from the silly song/video that's swept the Internet.

So, what happens now?

There's no way of knowing how all of this will pan out for her. She may actually go on to have a "normal" career in the entertainment industry (as if anything about showbiz can be deemed "normal"?). But for now, this week's latest example of "instant fame" is going into my files under the heading...

"Fates worse than obscurity."

Technology, Showbiz, and The American Dream

2011-03-11T12:25:00.001-08:00

Back in 1989, I quit my day job to focus on pursuing a career as a stand-up comedian. I'd been doing comedy for a few years, and had become obsessed. I figured the only way to really give it a shot was to quit my day job. And it was a good job, too. A technology-based job. The kind of job where you need an education and a resume and...

The ability to sit in a cubicle for 8 hours a day.

While I did possess that ability, it wasn’t satisfying me. In fact, it was sucking the life out of me.

So I ventured out of my cubicle, and into the Bohemian lifestyle of stand-up comedy.

It was a risk, but it was something I had to do. I was 29 years old, and not getting any younger.

I really enjoy live performances. There's nothing like the immediacy of a live show. And I'd gotten to the point where I was able to hold the attention of an audience for 30 minutes, which led to my first full-fledged comedy booking for an entire week at a club in Phoenix.

They flew me out, put me up in a hotel room near the club... and gave me by biggest paycheck to date. I got to do 30 minutes in the middle of each show... a sweet spot. You don’t have to warm up the crowd, and don’t have the pressure of closing the show. I did six shows that week... three hours of stage time... in 4 days. People even asked for my autograph at the end of the night. It was awesome... except for one thing...

I don't like to travel.

Now, I don't mind it now and then, but it's not something I want to do all that often. Not only is there the inconvenience of airports, taxis, packing, unpacking, never sleeping in your own bed... but when you're doing stand-up, most of the day is free time. Don’t get me wrong. I like free time. But it drove me crazy being away from home with nothing to do. I suppose I could have played tourist, but I wasn’t exactly rolling in dough. The money I made on the road was going to come in real handy paying rent and bills. I supposed if I'd been more disciplined, I could have been writing all day... but that's not the way I liked spending my day. Comedy ideas have always been things that hit me while I'm living my life. Funny stuff happens, I jot down a note, and expand on it later. I can't just sit down 8 hours a day and write jokes. And being totally immersed in the airport, hotel, and comedy club, I began to see why so many comedians had so many jokes about those things. They had no other life to draw from.

I’d finally achieved one of my goals as a comic, and I didn’t like it. The stage time was awesome, but I wasn't in the mood to be away from home 42 weeks a year.

Unfortunately, that's the only way to make money as a comedian. You can get stage time in Hollywood, but you aren't going to make any money there. A free drink or a sandwich... maybe. A few bucks here and there... if you're really lucky. But to make a living as a comic, you have to hit the road.

So, after about 3 years of focusing on comedy, I was ready to go back to the land of the cubicle. More importantly... the land of the steady paycheck. It may have been a mind-numbing experience at times, but it was a hell of a lot easier to eat and pay the rent doing my technology-based job from the comfy confines of a cubicle. And when I wasn't in my cubicle, I could spend the rest of my time on my couch. Cubicle... couch... cubicle... couch...

I was back to living the American Dream...

Kind of.

Problem was, I kept feeling like something was missing.

In the 20 years since I quit the 100% Bohemian lifestyle of stand-up comedy, I've hit the stage a few times here and there. I get the urge, hit the stage, get it out of my system, and go back to my couch. I even started "pursuing" it again several years ago -- hitting stages in Hollywood and Orange County every week -- until it occurred to me that reality hadn't changed.

You can't make a living as a stand-up comic without going on the road.

Then there was a stretch of time in the late 1990's to early 2000's where I added some more mileage to my car doing the singer-songwriter thing at coffeehouses, and hauling DJ equipment around for some parties and festivals. Again, I liked the live performances, but got tired of getting up off my butt a couple times a week to drive around town for a little bit of stage time.

For the past 5 years, I've been pursuing a career as an actor. There were times in that first year of auditioning that I was going up to LA once or twice a week. Living in San Diego, working a day job, driving the kids to and from school, and going to LA once or twice a week, well... I’d count that as “paying my dues”... again.

I don’t drive to LA nearly as much as I did that first year.

The first year I was auditioning in LA, I drove up there for the chance of getting a role in something that would pay a hundred bucks. I even submitted myself for roles that would only "pay" you in food... plus the promise of "credit" and "copy".

Those last two are hilarious. You invest several hours of your time driving to and from an audition -- sometimes, if you're lucky, you get a "call-back"... meaning that you get to drive several more hours for another audition... for the same role -- and your "pay" on the back-end is "credit" and "copy"!

In case you don't know... "credit" means they'll put your name in the on-screen credits of the film/show, and "copy" means they'll give you a copy of the film/show... so you can add it to your "reel" (the equivalent of a video resume).

Once I added up all of the hours and gas money and vehicle wear-and-tear... I realized that even if I were lucky enough to be cast in a role (which, by the way, would mean more time invested, and more gas money, and more vehicle wear-and-tear), I would be losing time and money indefinitely... all with the promise of a carrot-dangling prize of someday making a lot more money than any human deserves to make.

But I digress... or do I? Isn't this the point? What is the point?

The point is, while I love performing, I've gotten tired of spending hundreds of hours, driving thousands of miles, and spending thousands of dollars... at the off chance that I might get to say 2 lines in a film or TV project. And on the _really_ off chance that I’ll be making obscene amounts of money someday.

I haven't totally given up on that, mind you. But I'm much more selective now. I'll only submit myself to stuff that's either very visible, or that's going to pay a decent amount of money if I get it. And in the years since I quit my day job in 1989, I've found a balance between my techie day job and my desire to do something on-the-side.

Mainly, I’m getting my performing fix on my own terms -- and feeling much better about myself in the process -- by doing daily YouTube videos. I'm personally rewarded by creating a new project every day. Technology is finally allowing me to get rewards greater than the level of energy I’m exerting.

It may not be paying me anything (yet), but it's also not putting any miles on my car. And since I'm not investing all of that extra time and money, it's kind of like making money... but not spending it.

Most importantly, I don't need anybody's permission to do it. I'm getting cast in every role I'm up for... every day. I'm "putting myself out there" more than I ever did by driving all around Southern California performing for a handful of people here and there over the past 20 years.

Thanks to technology, I've found my own place in the entertainment industry... without ever leaving my apartment.

Now _that_ is my idea of "The American Dream".

Justifying and Rationalizing

2011-03-03T10:22:00.000-08:00

Why do we spend so much time justifying and rationalizing?

We can justify any decision we make. We can find other people who agree with our decision. We can find famous quotes to support our decision, no matter what we choose to do...

"Turn the other cheek!"

"An eye for an eye!"

For every adage, there's an equal and opposite adage.

Then why do we spend so much time justifying and rationalizing?

It seems like a huge waste of time, given the fact that most things we do are not "right" or "wrong". They just _are_.

Note that I said "most" things. There are exceptions, of course. Most people would agree that it's wrong to kill, or to steal. I'm not talking about those kinds of things.

I'm talking about questions like, "Should I be an engineer?” Yes? No? There's no morally right or wrong answer... unless you're morally opposed to engineering. And you can find people to give you advice and support for both the "yes" and "no" decision.

SO...

Why do we spend so much time justifying and rationalizing?

Excuse me while I go endlessly ponder the answer(s).

USC vs. UCLA -- A Bedtime Story

2010-12-05T10:12:00.000-08:00

Last night was the USC vs. UCLA football game.

The 80th meeting in one of the most storied rivalries in college football.

And I fell asleep.

I went to USC.

I played at USC.

Well, I sat on the bench at USC.

The point is, USC football is one of the few things I get passionate about.

And I fell asleep.

It’s not that I don’t care anymore.

Or that I don’t care because we’re on probation this year.

And yes... I said “we”.

It may be 30 years since I wore the uniform, but I still say “we”.

So, yes... I still care.

I care enough to say “we”.

And I care enough to have watched every game this year.

And last week, during the game against Notre Dame, our other big rival...

I did _not_ fall asleep.

I stayed awake during every heart-pounding, frustrating moment.

At one point, I even screamed at the top of my lungs...

Scaring the crap out of my daughters...

And probably any neighbors not tuned into the game...

Which was likely most of them...

Since USC and Notre Dame were not exactly “in the hunt” this year.

In some years, everybody who cares about football knows when USC and Notre Dame are playing.

This year, not so much.

But that game still got my blood pumping.

And my daughters running for cover.

And the neighbors dialing 911.

After we lost to Notre Dame, I was numb.

I was depressed.

Maybe not clinically depressed...

Which would have been an improvement, actually...

Because then I would have had some medication at my disposal.

Instead, I had to resort to philosophy.

I tried telling myself “it’s only game”.

Key word... “tried”.

Problem is, I don’t believe that.

It goes much deeper than that.

It’s something...

Hard to describe.

When you care so much about something, it defies description.

My ex-wife used to ask, “Why do you love me?”.

Why?

Who can answer that question?

I love you because... I love you.

You might even come up with a list of things you like about the person you love, but how can you say “why” you love them?

Or why you stop loving them?

When my wife decided to end our marriage, I asked her, “Why do you want to get divorced?”.

Her reply...

“I’m as surprised as you.”

Not only is that a unique answer for ending a relationship...

It pretty much sums up what I’ve been saying.

We don’t know why we love somebody... or stop loving somebody.

It’s the same with sports.

Or anything else you’re passionate about.

Why do you love to...

fill-in-the-blank?

You just do.

It’s the way it is.

It’s part of who you are.

For you, it’s part of the meaning of life.

Maybe you couldn’t care less about sports...

And by the way, did you notice I said “_couldn’t_ care less”?

Could _not_ care less.

When you don’t care about something, you could _not_ care less, right?

But a lot of people say... “I could care less”.

I _could_ care less.

When they really mean, I could _not_ care less.

And whenever I hear somebody say “I could care less”...

It bugs the crap out of me.

Why?

I don’t know.

It just does.

It’s just like anything else that I do or don’t care about.

Ask me why...

I don’t know.

All I do know is that when I’m emotionally involved in a game, and somebody says... “it’s just a game”...

It’s insulting.

Even if you couldn’t care less about sports, surely there’s something you’re passionate about...

(And stop calling me Shirley.)

Think of how you would feel if somebody told you that one of the most important things in your life wasn’t all that important...

“It’s just your kids.”

How would that make you feel?

It doesn’t matter if it’s sports, or whatever it is...

If it’s important to you... it’s important.

Period.

End of story.

So, last night, during the 80th meeting in one of the most storied rivalries in college football... even though it meant “nothing” as far as bowl games and national championships and any other measure of a season’s success... it meant something to me... and to the players and coaches... and to the people at the game... and the fans watching the game on TV... it still meant something... it wasn’t “just a game”.

So, then... why did I fall asleep?

I have no idea.

Rattling Thoughts (After Falling Off The Mountaintop)

2010-04-13T13:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, somebody deleted a comment I posted on Facebook. Fine. Everybody's got their sensitivities. And even though I thought my comment was an amusing, harmless little joke, the person who deleted it obviously disagreed. To make myself feel a little better, I proceeded to delete that person as a "friend".

Oh, if only things were so simple IRL (that's "in real life", in case you didn't know).

What's upsetting me more than the deleted comment is that fact that this garbage is still rattling around in my brain a day later.

I have better things to do with my thoughts.

I'm old enough to know you can't please everybody. No matter what you say, somebody's not going to like it.

Then why is this tiny event continuing to pop up in my head?

At this point, it may be the like the exercise of trying not to picture a purple elephant. The more you think "don't picture the purple elephant", the more you picture the purple elephant.

So, the more I'm trying to force myself to forget about it, the more I'm thinking about it.

Whatever the reason, I know this will drift out of my skull soon enough. What I'm hoping is that a little blog-rant on the topic will make it go away sooner.

This little social mis-interation is really no big deal in the whole scheme of things. Especially since I've been feeling so good about life lately. I've been "in the moment" a lot... not letting the past drive me, and not worrying about the future. The thought that we are all "pure consciousness" (planted in my head by another Facebook friend) has been making me walk lighter, and the fact that all humans on the planet are constantly participating in the creation of the world's events in "the eternal now" has been a prevalent thought and feeling.

How can I be floating along in a state of wonder and bliss, only to be thwarted by a deleted Facebook comment?

Maybe it's because I wasn't being confronted with anything. So even the simplest little annoyance, in contrast to joy and wonderment, has gotten blown out of proportion?

Whatever the reason, I'm feeling better now... as planned. Writing helps. I need to do this more often. Only when I do it more often, I want to have more important and positive things to write about.

That's the plan... next time... positive stuff.

[Therapy session complete.]

In The Long Haul and In The Moment

2010-04-11T10:26:00.000-07:00

I'm in this for the long haul.

No, really. I mean it this time. Forget all of the times in my life that I stopped and started... and stopped... and started... and...

You get the picture.

What's different this time?

It's hard to explain. But I'll try...

This time, I've come to the realization that there's no point in stopping. I'm no longer in denial. This is what I really want to do...

Whatever "this" is.

I've stopped in the past because...

[Long Pause]

I'm not exactly sure.

[Another Long Pause]

Maybe it's because I was too ambitious? Things weren't happening "fast enough", I got frustrated, and stopped?

Yeah, that sounds good.

[Yet Another Long Pause]

Maybe it's because I wasn't tough enough? Things were happening "too fast", I got scared, and stopped?

Yeah, that sounds good.

[Heavy Sigh]

You know what? I really don't know why I've stopped and restarted so many times in the past. And right now, I'm got a feeling that I'm on the verge of yet another epiphany...

It just doesn't matter.

Yeah, that sounds good.

And right now, I also just realized that my latest epiphany was long ago immortalized by Bill Murray's character in the movie "Meatballs". He's obviously not the first person to utter those words. If I'm not mistaken, the first person to coin that phrase was some dude writing on a wall in a cave.

It just doesn't matter.

Now, I'm not saying nothing matters. Far from it. What I'm saying is that the past doesn't matter. How I got here doesn't matter. The reason(s) I've stopped pursuing my dreams all of those times doesn't matter. All of that baggage and guilt and regret is useless.

It just doesn't matter.

The only thing that matters is this moment.

Yeah, that sounds good.

And in the immortal words of a wise man from thousands of years ago...

"No duh".

As trite as it sounds, it needs to be repeated...

The only thing that matters is this moment.

We humans keep making the same mistakes over and over again because we forget the simple stuff. And the simplest, truest concept of all is that we only have this moment. It's the only time we can ever do anything. Try as mightily as we want, and we can only do something _now_.

The past is gone. We let it rattle around in our heads all the time, but in reality, it's gone. Letting the past drive our lives is like letting the wake drive the boat. The boat creates the wake. Not the other way around.

The most important thing is to "be present". Stay "in the moment". Be conscious of the "eternal now".

Ironically enough, I think staying in the moment is also the best way to stay on course for the long haul. It makes life more enjoyable. There's less chance of getting overwhelmed and frustrated when the past and future aren't being piled on top of the present moment.

Yeah, that sounds good.

To Tweet, or Not To Tweet... Is That a Question?

2010-04-09T22:43:00.000-07:00

I was having so much fun tweeting @CraigyFerg (Craig Ferguson), but now the fun has come to and end. That's okay. I'll surely find other fun things to do with my life. It's just that I was enjoying coming up with new Tweet ideas everyday, and it lit a fire under my ass to focus on doing what I really want to do, and...

I'm going through a bit of a letdown.

Not a major one. But a letdown, nonetheless.

Funny how that little activity of conjuring up 140 characters (or less) per day was doing so much for my pysche. Seems silly when I write about it. Especially considering that all I was doing was spewing what turned out to be Twitter SPAM.

At least, that's how some people saw it.

I never thought about that aspect of it. I mean, Craig gets hundreds of Tweets every day. And some of his followers Tweet at him multiple times a day. Can me sending one carefully crafted (and sometimes maybe even clever and amusing) Tweet actually be considered SPAM?

Well, the more I thought about it (after it was brought to my attention by one of the more active members of Craig's Robot Skeleton Army [RSA]), the more I realized that it was probably doing more harm than good. I'd started copying my Tweets to his staff members, too (oddly enough, at the advice of that same RSA spokesperson... odd because she told me I was SPAMming, but then advised me to Tweet at the Producers)... which, as I degrade into some strange combination of cascading punctuation in this paragraph... led me to the conclusion that I needed to stop.

Yeah, I'm confused, too.

Not only is my wording and punctuation awkward, so was that whole RSA interaction. I hadn't thought about the sub-culture of people out there who are so invested in a daily basis with the whole RSA mish-mash of interactive Tweet streams.

I was just having fun with my little tweets.

Little did I know I was being judged (and sometimes... BLOCKED! ... NO - not THAT!) by a subset of the RSA subculture.

I've seen this before... on the Internet, and in real life.

It's nothing new.

It just hadn't dawned on me that I was in the same kind of realm as the dreaded (to me) message boards. There are people who live on the boards (and/or twitterville), and can have the tendency to behave as if they "own" the thing they're talking about. They feel like they're the authorities... much like the experience I had with the USC Football message boards a few years ago. It starts out innocently enough, with a bit of lurking, then a post here and there, followed by the inevitable drama that ensues when you unwittingly break one of the tribal rules.

Anyway, I'm getting way too much into the psychology of the message boards and/or tweets. The bottom line is that I'm changing tactics. Even though part of me thinks "to heck with them"... it is their world, afterall. I can go back to being a fan of Craig and his show on my own terms, in my own living room, not being accused of being a SPAMmer, not being BLOCKED by the RSA elite... like I was up until a few weeks ago.

Focus...

The only reason I even started tweeting @CraigyFerg in the first place was because I just got a wild hair up my ass to do that one morning. And the next day I did it again... and then again the day after that... for fun... and hoping that Craig might actually notice... and respond. What I don't know is whether or not he even read any of my tweets. And if he did, whether or not he liked them, saw them as SPAM, or didn't give a rip one way or the other.

Focus...

I'll get there.

Focus, I mean.

Here tiz...

I'm going back to approaching this the right way. And by "this" I'm talking about getting booked on the show. I sent an email to the Producer yesterday, and he responded this morning. Very nice of him to respond so quickly. Unfortunately, he's forwarded my email to a person I already emailed a couple of times in the past... and she never replied. I understand this is showbiz, where you don't normally get contacted when you don't get a gig. But I think this kind of inquiry should at least be acknowledged... as the Producer was kind enough to do today.

Who knows, maybe it'll be different this time. Maybe getting my email forwarded from the Producer will lead to a response from the person who books the musical acts. We'll see.

In the meantime, rambling this post is helping to shake me out of the post-tweet letdown I mentioned earlier. And another this is helping a lot, too...

Playing my guitar, singing, working on songs... that's part of my "core self". And that's where it's all at. When the opportunity arises for me to pop my talk show cherry, I'll be ready.

What am I saying... I _am_ ready.

But you can never bee "too ready", right?

The point is, practice makes perfect. And practice makes me feel good.

And ain't that the whole point of all of "this"...

Whatever "this" is?

I'm The Only One That Can Occupy "My" Spot

2010-04-08T20:19:00.000-07:00

"There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be ... it's easy." -- John Lennon

Sometimes, a single thought can cut through all of the supposed complexity in the world. John had it nailed with that line. You can only be where you are, and that's where you're meant to be.

It's easy.

And it's connected to some thoughts that occurred to me yesterday...

I'm the only one that can occupy "my" spot.
I'm not in competition with anybody for "my" spot.
Nobody is taking "my" spot.
I'm not taking anybody else's spot.

To reiterate and regurgitate...

If it's truly "my" spot, I'm the only one that can have it. There's no competition for it. If it's mine, it's mine. Likewise, if it's yours, it's yours.

It's easy.

Tweeting @CraigyFerg to be a Musical Guest on His Show

2010-04-02T19:38:00.000-07:00

Can I get a spot as a musical guest on "The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson" through a Twitter campaign... directed solely at Craig Ferguson?

Stranger things have happened.

Much stranger.

Did you know there's a legit TV pilot being shot right now (starring William Shatner), that's based on a guy's Twitter account (@shitmydadsays)?

With that in mind, here's what I'm doing...

A couple of weeks ago, I sent the following tweet to Craig Ferguson (aka @CraigyFerg)...

-----------------------------------------
According to "The Aladdin Factor", if I simply ask, @CraigyFerg will have me as a guest on his show! But what if Craig hasn't read the book?
-----------------------------------------

Okay, so it wasn't exactly sent _to_ him, but it did mention him. And when you mention somebody on Twitter, there's a chance they might see it. Considering the number of tweets containing @CraigyFerg on any given day, that chance may be slim... but it's a chance, nonetheless.

When I sent that first tweet, I had no plan to send any more. It was just a thought I had that morning. Can't even remember what triggered it. Maybe nothing in particular triggered it.

Does everything have to be "triggered"?

Then something happened.

I had the idea to post a tweet @CraigyFerg every day.

That was at least partially triggered by Conan O'Brien's successful Twitter campaign that's led to him selling thousands of tickets for his "Legally Prohibited From Being Funny on Television Tour".

Granted, I don't have quite as many followers as Conan, so it's comparing apples to oranges. Or is it big-ass apples to tiny apples? Or millions of apples to a handful of apples?

Whatever the case may be, it's not exactly a level playing field.

And my "campaign" is not directed towards my followers. It's directed towards one person.

Even though my "strategy" is a bit different from Conan's, and the odds of success are obviously a bit different as well, we're both dwelling in the same "market space". Yeah, I don't know what that means, either. I'm not much for suit-speak. It just came out, and I decided not to backspace.

Point is... it's a whole new world. Conan (and other celebrities) can leverage off of millions of followers, directly contacting their fans, bypassing the gatekeepers and middlemen who once held a monopoly. And I can use the same communication pipeline to try and get the attention of a single celebrity (or one of his staffers).

Screw the "odds". This ain't all about probabilities... measurable things... quantifiable things. There's something cool about having these connections happening, without regard to the odds.

And there's already been some unexpected, unmeasurable byproducts to come out of these daily tweets (now at 16 consecutive days, by the way)...

+ It's helping me focus.
+ It's inspiring me.
+ It's increased my interaction with my Facebook friends.

Not only that, but I'm truly starting to believe... make that, I'm truly believing... that this will lead to a spot on Craig's show...

Or something better.

That last part is what I've learned through various self-help gurus (e.g., Jack Canfield... author of the aforementioned "The Aladdin Factor", from my first tweet @CraigyFerg). They say that when you come up with affirmations, you should end with "or something better". It opens your mind to other possibilities. We don't always get what we're asking for, but the process of asking often leads us to something even better.

I'm excited to find out where these daily tweets will take me... because I'm determined to keep tweeting until something happens. And then I guess I'll continue tweeting (or using whatever other communication channels open up in the future) until something else happens.

Of course, there's more to life than tweeting. In between tweets, I'm getting back to the creative matters at hand... the things that make me happy... the things I can control... like, playing my guitar, singing, writing, reading...

Speaking of reading...

I just finished Craig Ferguson's book "American on Purpose". A lot of it hit close to home. For one thing, he wrote about getting to a point in his career where he started doing the creative things that he could control (e.g., writing a novel), because he was fed up with people shitting on his projects... when he even got so far as to get money from people to do projects. And he's not far removed from where I'm sitting right now... and where I was a few years ago. It wasn't that long ago that he went through divorce(s) and debts (see: me a few years ago), and wasn't getting much work in Hollywood (see: me... period).

And this ties into the "or something better" thing from above...

He got his first big-time role on The Drew Carey Show after bombing on an audition for a different show. He wasn't even going to go to the audition (since it was a Hispanic role, and he's Scottish), but a friend encouraged him to go anyway. He said he did a terrible Hispanic accent, but a guy chased after him and asked him to audition for a different show... which turned out to be the pilot for Drew's show.

I don't tell the story as well as Craig. I recommend buying his book if you're interested in being truly inspired.

But the point is...

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans". -- John Lennon

Craig Ferguson did not leave his home that day to audition for The Drew Carey Show, but that's the show he ended up being on for eight years. And, as he wrote in his book... it changed his life.

A similar thing happened on the way to his late night talk show gig. It wasn't something he'd been pursuing. It just popped-up... and rather than me trying to regurgitate his story again like I did a couple of paragraphs ago, I'll once again encourage you to buy his book...

As kiss-assy as it may sound.

You know what? I don't care if it sounds kiss-assy. I just finished reading his book, and it was great. He's a really good writer, and his story inspired me. And one day, I hope to shake his hand and tell him that in person.

In the meantime, I'll have to settle for my tweet-a-day regimen, hoping to get his attention, and get a spot as a musical guest on his show...

Or something better.

Rules for Hollywood? (2009 - Avatar & Paranormal Activity)

2010-02-21T10:28:00.000-08:00

It recently occurred to me that 2009 may have provided the two furthest ends of the spectrum in filmmaking success in a single year...

"Avatar" and "Paranormal Activity".

When you think about these two extremes, it's hard to believe that there are really any rules in Hollywood for what it takes to have a successful film.

Okay, so this really isn't breaking news. "There are no rules in Hollywood." Fine. Thank you, Captain Obvious.

All I'm saying is that 2009 may have been the best illustration of that fact.

The budget for Paranormal Activity was somewhere in the neighborhood of $15k (yes, that's "k", as in "thousand"). The technology was primitive (at best). The director had no experience. Expectations were low (to say the least). Marketing was mainly via social networking (at least initially). The movie has grossed in the ballpark of $200 million.

Not a bad ballpark for a $15k investment.

The budget for Avatar was about $200 million. The technology was ground-breaking. The director had a lot of experience, including the previous all-time high-grossing film. Expectations were high (to say the least). Marketing was mainly "old school" (e.g., commercials and talk shows). The movie has grossed over $2 billion.

Not quite the same return on investment as Paranormal Activity, but not too shabby.

So, when I hear advice from various people in the industry saying, "You must [fill-in-the-blank]" or "You can't [fill-in-the-blank]"... I have a hard time taking any of this advice at face value. What they're saying me have been true for them at one time in their careers, and it may be true again.

Or it may not.

It's like Newton's Law of Hollywood...

"For every piece of advice, there's an equal and opposite piece of advice."

That's not to say nobody knows what they're talking about. Experience should count for something, right?

Maybe.

But how much (if any) does experience matter?

On the one hand, a film (or writer, director, actor, etc.) can have tons of experience, and be involved in a flop. On the other hand, a newcomer can skyrocket to the top.

I didn't intend to rhyme. That was an accident.

Like much of what happens in Hollywood.

There are some people who have great track records, producing more hits than misses... but nobody's batting 100%. Nobody has this thing totally figured out. The big studios produce some garbage, and the indie world creates some masterpieces.

Speaking of indies...

I've read some articles about death of indie filmmaking. They go on and on about the details of how the funding sources and distribution channels have dried up in recent years, and therefore it has become harder for indie filmmakers to survive. While I can't argue these facts (not being an indie filmmaker myself, I don't know enough to say if it's true or not), I have a hard time buying it as an overarching generality.

Or, put another way...

Did you hear the one about "Paranormal Activity"?

Distribution channels and funding sources may be changing, but come on... who really understood those things in the first place? And I'm not just saying this out of my own personal ignorance. There's a story about some college professors who traveled West in an attempt to map out the economics of Hollywood...

And traveled back East even more bewildered than when they'd arrived.

There may... I repeat, MAY... be some rules to follow in order to be successful in "THE INDUSTRY". But the more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that it's just a lot of free-wheeling poker playing.

To me, that's encouraging.

If nobody REALLY knows what's going on, then people down here at my level know about as much as everybody else.

"Paranormal Activity" -- A Coin Flip from Stardom

2009-10-18T09:52:00.000-07:00

Okay, maybe not "stardom". But these days, when the words "star" and "celebrity" have become so watered-down, let's run with it...

The point is, I had a 50-50 chance to be in a movie called "Paranormal Activity". This movie recently became a huge cult hit. And judging by the latest box office numbers, has now been elevated from "cult" to "mainstream" hit.

(Am I using too many "quotes"?)

Whether or not I'm using too many quotes, and whether or not it's cult or mainstream, and whether or not I should be using the word "stardom", here's how I fit-in to this story (as originally posted in response to a fellow actor's comment on Facebook)...

---
Trivia... I got a callback for the demonologist role in "Paranormal Activity". The director said it was down to me and one other guy. Basically... a coin flip. Heads, you're part of a surprise rag-to-riches cult hit story. Tails, you're posting a comment on Facebook.
---

So, that's the story in a nutshell. And because of that bit of behind-the-scenes movie trivia, for days now, I've been tripping out (he said, showing his age) on how close I came to having my IMDb STARmeter ranking move from 755,201 to 6,758 (the true sign of success in Hollywood these days).

Of course, I had no way of knowing at the time that the ultra low budget movie I auditioned for would become the runaway rags-to-riches hit movie that it's become. And that's part of what's tripping me out...

We never know.

That's nothing new.

We just never know.

Seemingly little things become huge. But we don't know which ones will launch, and which ones will languish. At this very moment, and at every moment, there are countless opportunities to be in ultra low budget films. Most will lead to nothing. A few will lead to other opportunities. And very few, like "Paranormal Activity", will explode beyond anybody's wildest dreams.

I'm both discouraged and encouraged by my "so close yet so far" relationship to this movie. Discouraged because I'm not currently part of this blockbuster hit. Encouraged because I am "in the game".

Like all other actors slugging and slogging away at this business, I'm always one audition away from something big. The difference this time is that I know how close I came. Many times, we have no way of knowing. When we submit to something, we have no way of knowing if the project will amount to anything. When we audition, and don't get the part, we don't know if we were runner-up, or at the bottom of the pile. And we don't know why we weren't selected. Sometimes, it's a "look". You don't look like the image the director had in his head, or you don't look like a person who's already been cast in another role as a family member. Sometimes, it's talent. Another actor auditioned better than you. Sometimes, it's the gut feeling of the people selecting for the part. Sometimes, it's totally random... like, eenie-meenie-mynie-mo. Literally. My acting teacher has a story about that.

There are so many factors involved.

And there are also times when we don't even know what happened to the projects we auditioned for. For instance, when I auditioned for this film, it was just another "UNTITLED FEATURE". It's just a fluke that I recently connected the dots, and realized that the callback I got was for the movie that eventually became "Paranormal Activity".

And the callback was in the same house (belonging to director Oren Peli) that was used as the sole location for shooting the film! When I first saw the trailer, I thought, "That place looks really familiar". I was in the house that's now a part of the folklore. Once again...

So close, yet so far.

So, as I search for an ending to this blog post, I'm choosing to focus on the "upside". I'm choosing to feed off of the fact that I'm "in the game". I'm leaning towards "encouraged".

And I'm also leaning towards continuing to use "quotes" whenever I damn well please.

Twitter Me This

2009-04-24T16:38:00.000-07:00

So, the latest explosion in social networking is happening on Twitter.

Happening "to" Twitter?

"With" Twitter?

Whatever qualifying word is used, it's happening.

It's not that Twitter just started. It's been around for a couple of years. But at some point in the not-so-distant past, it reached the Tipping Point. And in the very recent past, there was a battle between Ashton Kutcher and CNN to be the first to reach a million followers (Ashton won), followed in the same week by Oprah signing up for a Twitter account (and posting her first Tweet on her show... which also featured Ashton Kutcher).

When we look back on these days, we'll either say, "Oh, I remember Twitter" or "Yeah, I remember when Twitter first became big... and look how much it's in our lives now".

In any event, whether the future is Twitterless or Twitterful, surely there will be many more methods for connecting in many more ways in the future.

And stop calling me Shirley.

Some Thoughts About Improv...

2009-04-01T17:42:00.000-07:00

My boss just left for the day, and on the way out, he was making some comments about not staying too late, leaving some work for tomorrow, don't let her (one of my co-workers) stay too late.

I replied with something about clipping his heels, not staying too much longer, will probably be gone before her.

She replied that she'd be leaving soon because she got here early this morning.

We all shared a laugh or two, and then he left.

My point?

Don't worry. I'll get there...

Eventually.

The little exchange mentioned above connected with something fresh in my mind. It was an exercise we did in acting class last night, where we had to do improv before and after the scripted portion of our scene. And the thing about telling people to do improv is that we tend to put a lot of pressure on ourselves to have every line be something clever.

Guess what?

Most of life does not consist of us stringing together a bunch of clever sayings.

So maybe with that thought in mind, I'll put a little less pressure on myself the next time we do improv in acting class.

It's not that I put a huge amount of pressure on myself. It's just that thinking back, I know that a portion of my thoughts were occupied by the actor part of my brain, which is generally focused on thinking of something clever to say... as opposed to just being in the moment... looking around... twiddling your thumbs, etc.

In the real world, there's also a lot of silence... in addition to the not-so-clever stuff we say.

So...

Remember that the next time you're doing improv, okay? And pay more attention to that in daily life... since that's what we're trying to recreate on stage and in front of the camera.

Nothing new here.

I've been trying to do that for some time.

But this little message is about not trying so hard. And it's about not continually staring into the eyes of your partner. Hmmm... I guess I wasn't doing that all the time last night. I recall playing with some papers that were sitting on the table at one point. So I wasn't totally acting like an actor.

But still, it really hit me when I heard the little "random" exchange of small-talk as my boss left that communicating is really just about connecting... even with little tidbits of trivial stuff. And it's about being awkward, and tripping over our tongues, and being comfortable with silence...

Or not.

I mean, we're not always comfortable with silence in life, right?

But in improv, we tend to have a lot less of it. We need more silence in improv. And in scripted stuff. Not to bring things to a total crawl, mind you. But in real life, we don't always go "my line... your line... my line... your line" with no breaks in between. And we also interrupt each other. And...

Now I'm getting way to far off of the point. I didn't mean to get into a bunch of points about acting. I really just wanted to make one point...

Bottom Line (for now): Stop trying to be so clever. Just "be".

And, as is usually the case, the lessons I'm learning about acting are good words to live by in the real world, too.

Later...

Jack Canfield Monthly Phone Call

2008-12-03T10:00:00.000-08:00

Interviewer: Alex Mondosian (sp?)

===========================
=== N O T E S ===
===========================

+ Bad economy: Can see it with fear, or as a chance for opportunity.
+ Holdays: Focus on what's important. Not necessarily money.
+ Can be giving your "presence" in addition to "presents".
+ Question: How do you get rid of fear?
+ F.E.A.R. = False Evidence Appearing Real,
Future Events Appearing Real,
Forget Everything And Run
+ Rather than thinking about catastrophe, assume things will turn out well.
No fear.
+ Exercise: Top of a skyscraper, on the edge, no railing. Most people
will assume the worst, and physically feel fear. If you believe you
can fly, you will have no fear, and imagine zooming around, landing
on a beautiful island, etc.
+ Exercise: Make a list of things "I'm afraid to...". After the list is
done, change the beginning to "I'd really like to, but I scare myself
into believing...". Replace fear of fantasy with positive outcome
fantasy. Then come up with a solution to get your ideal situation.
+ Another solution... stay in the present. Rather than going into the
future with positive or negative fantasies, ground yourself in the moment.
+ "Self confidence is the result of surviving a risk." Feel the fear, and
do it anyway.
+ emofree.com => tapping technique for releasing fear.
+ Question: Most important principles in this economic downturn...
+ Decide what you want. Okay to think (a little) about what you don't want.
But focus most of your attention on what you _DO_ want.
+ Challenge from Bob Proctor: Double your income in the next year.
+ Believe it's possible.
+ Stay focused.
+ Take action.
+ A lot of people get paralyzed by fear. Instead, make an action plan,
and break it down into action steps.
+ Answer the question "What's the greatest weakness I must overcome
to get what I want?"
+ Commit to constant and never-ending improvement.
+ Tighten all personal disciplines.
+ Find out what's needed by the people you serve, and provide what they need.
+ Keep focused on the vision.
+ 80/20 Rule: Determine what that 20% is that needs to be done to succeed.
+ REMINDER: Principle #1 = Take 100% Responsibility for Your Life
+ Question: Energy (how do you get more?)
+ "Your level of energy determines the quality of your life."
+ Sleep well.
+ Eat well.
+ Simple step... drink more water.
+ Exercise: Yogi breathing... 4 or 5 yogi breaths.
Yogi breath = Inhale 8 counts, Exhale 16 counts.
+ Question: How do you please others and stay true to yourself all the time?
+ Answer: You don't.
+ But the good news is that you'll please a lot of people while being true
to yourself. The ones you don't please... forget about it. Even when
you're not being true to yourself, people won't be pleased. So, which
option is best? Duh.
+ When people are upset with you... it's just noise.
+ Following your own joy is the way to attract the people and things you
need. You can't please everybody.
+ Exercise: For an entire week... do only what you want to do, for 16 hours
a day, 7 days a week. See what happens. You'll discover how many things
you're doing to please other people, and perhaps also how many more things
you will do for yourself that are also the best for those you love and
for the world.
+ This is for me, it's not against you, I'm just taking care of what I need to do.
+ Express yourself: What you want to express is coming up and trying to get out.
When you don't express it someway, that energy ferments itself in your body,
and becomes dis-ease.
+ Question: How do you determine what your services are worth?
+ Nobody knows what anything is worth.
+ You get what you think you're worth (or, better put, what you think you're
worth + what you ask for + what people are willing to pay).
+ Determine bottom and top (e.g., bottom = minimum I'm willing to leave my house for,
top = what I believe I'm worth when compared to others in the industry).
+ Example: A couple of therapists in La Jolla kept raising their fee by $25/hr
every month until people said, "Don't you think that's a bit much?"
+ Example: A musician had the idea that he wanted to work half as much, so he
doubled his fee and worked half as much.
+ Recommendation: Base fee on value rather than time.
+ Example: In his early days, Jack charged a daily fee (e.g., $3,000 / day).
A friend suggested charging a per person fee. When he did that, he wound
up making $20,000 / day.
+ Personal Example: Voiceover job for BigRock Studios. I agreed to an hourly
rate, and actually got "punished" for doing a good job. That is, it took
me 1 hour instead of 2. Had I agreed to a fixed price instead, or perhaps
a cost per minute of output, I would have made more money. Time was
irrelevant in this case.
+ Question: What self-esteem techniques or exercises for woman who's been raped or abused?
+ Answer: Complete the past to embrace the future.
+ "Total Truth Process".
+ Exercise: Release anger by banging a tennis racket against couch/bed/etc., while
yeling what's making you angry (e.g., "I'm angry that you made me feel powerless").
+ Answer the question, "Is there something you did that contributed to this?" (e.g.,
drinking too much and things got out of hand).
+ Release... however you get around to it, through the various stages, you eventually
have to release all of the baggage to get on with your life in a normal way.
+ If you keep beating yourself up over and over again by reliving the trauma, you're
doing more damage that the original perpetrators.
+ Closing Thoughts (from Jack and myself)...
+ Remember that money is only one facet of your life. There are so many things to
work on and appreciate that don't involve money. Sure, if you want more money...
you can have that, too. But don't let it consume you. The money will come.
Do what you love, do it with all of your heart, and the money will come.
But make sure to not let money control you and your situation. Live. Love.

Now on iTunes!

2008-08-10T11:07:00.000-07:00

There's something special about being on iTunes. Yeah, I know there are thousands of musicians there already. And I'm not expecting to be a featured artist anytime soon. But that doesn't matter. This is iTunes we're talking about. It's special. I'm not going to try explaining it. All I know is that the first time I did a search and found myself there (only a couple of days ago), I got choked up. No exaggeration. While listening to the preview samples of my songs, I was brought to tears. Seeing my CD cover art, hearing the songs I've been mostly keeping to myself for all these years, and seeing the other artists linked to me by the "Listeners Also Bought" feature on the bottom of the screen... well, it all just washed over me in an overwhelming wave of emotion. There's no telling how many people will stumble into my songs while randomly roaming through the vast iTunes music library. But I do know one thing. There's a hell of a lot better chance of them finding me now than a couple of days ago. And an infinitely greater chance than a year ago... when all of my songs were stashed away in a bag in my closet.

Everybody Has An Audience (Yeah, I’m Talking to You!)

2008-08-10T11:05:00.000-07:00

I've come to believe that everybody has an audience...

No matter what your craft might be.

It can be music, comedy, films... quilting, knitting, macrame... horse training, dog grooming, cat juggling...

Everybody has an audience.

You've just got to risk putting yourself out there...

Again and again...

And again...

And again.

Everybody has an audience.

It's a simple matter of mathematics.

I mean, there are over six billion people on the planet. And they're all looking for _something_.

Chances are, a lot of them are looking for you.

Not convinced? Then think about this...

You're on stage in a room with a hundred people in it. Do you think _one_ of those people would enjoy the results of your craft?

Just one in a hundred?

That's a real small percentage, isn't it? Just 1%, according to my calculations.

Well, that small percentage equates to 60 million people in the world.

I don't know about you, but I'd be pretty happy with an audience of that size.

In fact, I'd settle for half of that...

Which is only 1 in 200 people...

Or half of a person in 100...

But I digress...

Frequently.

The point is, you don't have to please everybody. In fact, you don't even have to please most people. Even pleasing 1% can lead to a pretty big audience...

If you put yourself out there enough.

So, don't get caught in the trap of "why would anybody be interested in what I do?". I'm speaking from experience. I was caught in that trap for years...

Got the scars to prove it.

Fresh scars.

I've only recently pulled myself out of that trap, and am finally starting to believe that maybe...

Just maybe...

Some of the six billion people strewn around this planet of ours might just enjoy whatever it is I'm putting out there.

It's not ego...

It's mathematics.

Sure, there's going to be a lot of people who don't like what you do. That's fine. They're just not "your people".

Don't worry about them. They're looking for somebody else. Don't take it personally.

In the meantime, your audience is looking for you.

Your audience is out there, somewhere, just dying to meet you.

And you're going to find that audience. Or, better yet, your audience is going to find you.

Everybody has an audience.

Music Anyone? (My Solo Debut)

2008-06-21T10:36:00.000-07:00

Over thirty years in the making! Okay, so I haven't actually been working on it for thirty years, but I wrote some of the songs when I was a teenager. So technically, this project has been brewing for over 30 years.

Any day now, I'll finally be pushing this long-awaited debut over the goal-line by finishing the CD cover art... and officially releasing it into the wild (with the help of CD Baby, emusic, iTunes, MSN Music, MusicMatch, Napster, Rhapsody... etc., etc., etc.).

In the meantime, please check out the samples... and if you like any of them, I'd appreciate it if you'd help get the ball rolling by dropping some coins in the jukebox (so to speak)...

My First National TV Spot!

2007-06-10T15:36:00.000-07:00

This week, my national TV debut aired on Court TV (June 7 was the initial airing). It's a crime re-enactment show called "North Mission Road". My role is Detective Crowley.

Here's a link to a preview...

http://www.courttv.com/onair/shows/north_mission_road/157.html

Whether or not they keep that link in their archives for historical purposes, at least it's something you can look at in 2007.

It's my first screen credit in a nationally-televised show, and my name is even spelled correctly in the credits!

The feeling I'm having right now is one of controlled enthusiasm. I'm not spiking the ball in the end zone and doing a victory dance. Does the phrase "act like you've been there before" ring a bell? Even though I haven't been there before, I want to act that way.

This is just the beginning...

Or the middle...

In any event, I'm happy. And looking forward to the next milestone.

Joe "Enjoying the Ride" Palen

My First National TV Acting Gig!

2007-06-06T02:06:00.001-07:00

I'm on CourtTV this week, playing a detective on "North Mission Road".

There's an online preview here.

Check your local listings for showtimes.

Representation in LA... Merry Christmas to Me!

2006-12-27T07:49:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I signed with an agency in Los Angeles. Santa really came through this Christmas. Not a bad way to end the year.

Anyway, they're representing me across the board... so I don't have to go hunting for more agencies any time soon. Not for a year, anyway.

I'm keeping a level head about this... meaning, I'm not doing cartwheels, and thinking this is going to launch my career into the stratosphere. Level-headed, but still glad to have it happen. Without an agent, most of the job market is hidden. Now, I'll at least have a chance of being seen for roles that otherwise would have been unseen (by me). And just in time for pilot season!

Maybe if some more stuff starts happening in 2007, I'll even blog more than once quarterly.

Don't hold your breath.

My Celebrity Lookalikes

2006-10-04T16:20:00.000-07:00

According to the face recognition software at MyHeritage, these are the celebrities that look most like my headshot...

I've never thought of myself as a "George Clooney" type. But when I saw George Clooney pop up as a match, I thought, "Hey... maybe I'm selling myself short".

Humility soon returned when my face matched Richard Nixon's.

This is fun. What a better way to spend the afteroon at work?!

I Had A Dream... "There Are No Limitations"

2006-07-14T13:58:00.000-07:00

A few nights ago, I had a dream.

The end.

Okay, maybe some details...

I was at a hotel, where all of the rooms faced inward towards a courtyard, with a swimming pool in the center of the courtyard. I was six or seven stories up, stood on a railing, and jumped. On the way down, I was yelling, "There are no limitations!". The people below were cheering. But not because I was so great. It was because I'd finally figured it out. In my dream, I knew what they were thinking (as we often do in dreams, right?). And their thought were on the order of, "It's about time", and "Now you're one of us".

It was kind of a cross between "Almost Famous" and "The Matrix". If you've seen both of those movies, you'll know what I'm talking about. If not, see the movies.

I love that my subconscious is operating on that level while I'm sleeping. I can only guess that it's working the same way while I'm awake. "Belief" has many layers. I don't know which layer I'm at right now, but I do know that waking up with the vivid memory of a dream where I'm yelling "there are no limitations" is a good sign that I've dug through a lot of layers since starting this blog a couple of years ago.

BTW... I landed safely in the pool.

Synchronicity... Starring Brad Pitt

2006-06-28T11:43:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder. Actually, I wonder most of the time. But sometimes, I wonder about the mysteries of how things work, how we're all connected "beneath the surface", and whether or not certain "coincidences" are actually part of a big picture that we mere mortals are only allowed to occasionally glimpse at through little cosmic peepholes.

No, I'm not on drugs.

My latest little glimpse through a peephole started with a dream. Just before I woke up yesterday morning, I was treated to a vivid dream involving Brad Pitt.

No, I didn't make-out with him.

That's what my 10-year-old daughter asked me when I started telling her about the dream. I figured other people might have the same idea. That's why I added the above disclaimer.

Anyway, the main point of the dream is that I wasn't star-struck by Brad Pitt. We were friends, or maybe co-workers. Brad was driving the car, and I was in the back seat. The other two people in the car were co-workers of mine. Not showbiz co-workers. They were people from my current day job. Brad Pitt was just one of the guys. Still famous, but just one of the guys.

My interpretation of the dream, for what it's worth, is that I'm finally starting to believe that I belong in Hollywood. My main motivation is not to be a star, but I wouldn't mine going along for the ride. Let the star drive the vehicle. I'll kick-it in the back seat. Play a supporting role.

But mainly, I think the dream has a lot to do with the feelings I'm having while I'm awake... believing that I belong in the industry as much as anybody else does. I'm on the journey.

Okay, so here's where the synchronicity comes in...

My acting teacher (Carey Scott) never drops names of big stars. In fact, he explicitly tells us that he makes it a point not to drop names of big stars. He'll tell us stories about famous people to make a point (e.g., "One of my good friends is a huge star, but he's no happier than he was before he became famous"), but always leave out the name...

Until last night.

Carey was telling us a story relating to one of the scenes being performed in our class. The scene was from "Thelma and Louise", and the story had to do with Carey attending the premiere with a good friend of his... Brad Pitt.

I've been in his class for six months, and he's never dropped the name of a superstar friend. Then the first name he drops is the guy who was in my dream earlier that same day? And I can't remember the last time I had a vivid dream like that, let alone a vivid dream involving a superstar.

What does this all mean?

Who knows?

I had an idea about the interpretation of my dream, but as far as how my dream and Carey's reality are connected... I have no clue. That's just a glimpse through the peephole.

All I do know is that the odds of these two events happening on the same day are astronomical. You can pass it off as a coincidence. I can't prove it's not a coincidence. It just makes me wonder, that's all. Is this foreshadowing of something? Time will tell. Did I catch a glimpse into the future with my dream? I hope not, because that would imply pre-destiny... which I'm not a big fan of. Was Carey tapped into some wavelength emanating from my skull that caused him to mention Brad Pitt? More likely than peering into the future, I think... since that would simply involve some kind of communication "beneath the surface" in the present moment.

And for the last time... I am _not_ on drugs!

I'm just wondering, that's all.

Long Time, No Blog

2006-06-23T15:36:00.000-07:00

Recently, a friend of mine (let's call him Lawrence, since that's his name) said that he'd been checking my blog now and then, only to find that it hadn't been updated in a long time.

Well, rather than try playing catch-up on everything that's happened in the past two months, how's about a snapshot of where I'm at?

In a nutshell (see "Where I Belong"), I've been focusing on acting. Stand-up has taken a back-seat. It's not out of the car. It's just sitting patiently in the back-seat, waiting to take the wheel again. Even when it does take the wheel, it won't be for very long. The more I dive into acting, the more obvious it becomes to me that I need to dive in even deeper.

This isn't a hobby anymore.

"Denial time" is over.

I'm in.

In deep.

Going deeper...

Deeper...

Deeper...

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Actually, I'm not falling asleep at the wheel at all. That last little snooze was just a stream-of-consciousness thing. It's not a metaphor for what's going on in the real world.

Over the past handful of weeks, I did a stream of acting showcases in Hollywood and San Diego with my acting class. We met with agents, managers, casting directors, producers, and a couple of actors. I'll know soon if any of the agents/managers are interested in meeting with me to discuss being my representation. If not this time, then next time... or the next... or the time after that.

This is a marathon, not a sprint.

In the meantime, while the results of the showcases are up-in-the-air, I'm going to continue focusing on getting better. In fact, that'll be the focus from now on. From here to eternity, with or without representation.

And a big part of that is bidding farewell to ego.

See ya, ego!

Get outta the way, ego!

Are you listening, ego?!

Yeah, I think ego's gotten the message.

So, that's all for now. Feeling good about stuff... inside-out. That is, it all starts on the inside, and works it's way out.

Hopefully, it won't be another two months before I blog/blab again. If so, oh well. It'll mean I've got other things to do. Maybe I'll report back tomorrow, since I'm doing stand-up tonight for the first time in almost two months. Maybe I'll report back after next week, when I find out whether or not I've got any meetings lined-up. Or maybe I'll report back in a couple of months again, telling you how things have been going for the past couple of months.

Whether it's a day, a week, or a couple of months, just remember one thing...

It's always now.

Make that two things...

You're always here.

So, does it really matter how long I go between blogs?

Ommmmmmmmmmmmm...

First Audition at a Major Studio (Warner Brothers)

2006-04-28T00:00:00.000-07:00

[POST AUDITION NOTE: This audition turned out to be at Warner Brothers Studios. Wow! And the coolest thing, I think, is that it didn't throw me off. I mean, when we (I took the kids) pulled up and saw the Warner Brothers sign, I thought it was cool… but it didn't intimidate me. I was more intimidated last year doing open mic's at the Hollywood Improv. That shows some internal progress, for sure. Even though my post-mortem of the audition is that I was inconsistent with the character, that had nothing to do with the fact that it was at Warner Brothers. It had to do with where I'm at as an actor. They gave me some direction that was different from the choices I'd made ahead of time, and even though I feel my improvisation was okay, the character bounced all over the place. Biggest lesson learned? Pick a character, and stick with it. Related lesson? Either do a dialect, or don't. Somehow, in the middle of the improv, I drifted from my voice, to some kind of East Coast voice. Whether or not that had anything to do with not getting a call-back is beside the point. If I was the type they were looking for, I've got a feeling that they _might_ have worked with me anyway. So, this critique is more about the results-independent side of things. That is, independent of what they thought of me and my "type", what did I think of the job I did? And the answer is that I was okay. Professional. Friendly and confident while being introduced around the table to the director, etc. Decent on the improv. Character consistency needs work. I guess that's what acting class is for, eh? Speaking of that, we're starting to focus on one scene for showcasing… which could lead to getting representation. More on that as it develops.]

Procrastination Update... Voiceover Demo

2006-03-11T09:33:00.000-08:00

I finally booked some studio time to record a voiceover demo. I'm going to pay for an hour of studio time (including a sound engineer) at the end of this month. For now, I've decided that's the best way to go... cheaper than upgrading one of my computers for broadcast quality recording.

And most of all, it'll put an end to years of procrastinating.

Well, it won't put an end to procrastinating. We know better than that. What I'm saying is that it will put an end to years of procrastinating on this particular goal.

Now I can move ahead on my goals of procrastinating in other areas.

Blog Reading Therapy Continues

2006-03-10T13:50:00.000-08:00

It's been a couple of weeks since my "Last Comic Standing" audition (17 days, to be precise... but who's counting?), and I'm still addicted to the blogs on the topic. The sting of the experience is long since gone. Really it is.

No, really.

And yet I'm continuing to be fascinated by the continuing shared experience with other comics by reading their blogs. Am I fascinated by their experiences, or by the fact that we're now living in a world where we can (and do) share our experiences in such a public (and global) fashion?

I'd have to say, both of the above.

Reading about people who've had similar experiences is very therapeutic. And in a number of cases, I've posted comments to their blogs, or sent them e-mails... letting them know that they are not alone (even though I suspect they already knew that, it's a nice reminder).

So, one cool outcome from that little bee sting of 17 days ago is that there continues to be a wave of human connections in the wake of the LCS coast-to-coast audition tour.

No matter what the goals are of the folks producing LCS (e.g., getting a bunch of blooper footage for their show), there's a positive outcome that I doubt they planned. And part of that outcome has been enabled by this (relatively) new phenomenon of blogging.

Before participating in this LCS audition, I just thought our blogs were a bunch of little fragmented and disconnected "Dear Journal" entries. Now I see that it's like the rest of life...

It's all connected.

Million Dollar Baby Week

2006-03-09T15:09:00.000-08:00

It took me exactly a year to watch the movie that won the Oscar for Best Picture last year. After this year's Academy Awards show (and after the kids' bedtime), I finally watched "Million Dollar Baby". Heavy stuff. I knew that going in, but it didn't spoil the journey. Even after a year, there were more than enough surprises. Yeah... I cried. And I'm man enough to admit it.

Then last night, a little bit of synchronicity occurred (albeit a few days after I watched the movie... does that still count as "synchronicity"?)...

In acting class, one of the scenes the acting teacher gave me to read was from "Million Dollar Baby". He didn't know I'd just watched the movie, so even if it wasn't strictly a case of synchronicity, it was still a coincidence.

When I first started reading through the scene with my partner, I found myself using a gruff voice... which was not good. This was no time for a Clint Eastwood impersonation. It's hack enough to do it as a stand-up. I definitely didn't want to be caught doing it in a method acting class.

Luckily, I found my own voice in time for the performance in front of the class.

And thus concludes my story about "Million Dollar Baby"... that was the week that was... one year later.

Roll-Your-Own Performing Arts School Update (Music)

2006-03-06T10:35:00.000-08:00

Last Friday at Martini Blues was fun. Hadn't done the solo singer/songwriter/guitarist thing for a while (as noted in an earlier post). Felt comfortable, but felt too much of the judgemental inner chatter (a.k.a., "Self 1" from "The Inner Game"). Listening back to the tape, it was pretty good. I was singing in key, which is the most important thing. Hate to make people in the audience cringe. That's the low bar to jump over... minimal cringe-factor. The high bar? Well, that's another story. I'm no Judy Garland. People aren't likely to be brought to tears hearing me sing. Then again, I need to stop making assumptions about what other people feel (see "The Four Agreements").

That's part of that useless inner chatter.

Every experience on stage helps. It doesn't matter which facet of performing is being... um... performed. There's a lot more commonality between stand-up, acting, and music than there are differences. The differences can seem huge, but all-in-all, the same fundamentals apply for all of them (e.g., focus, relaxing, confidence, etc.).

Not sure how much I'll be performing music in public in coming weeks. All I know is that last week's performance Smorgasbord was tasty. I could definitely make a habit of that.

Dish on LCS, from the Left Coast [from SHECKYmagazine.com]

2006-03-02T21:02:00.000-08:00

A spy from Los Angeles sent us an email, from which we extracted he following:

1. Anthony Clark will host LCS IV. He has signed a 3-year contract, so I guess NBC is banking on LCS being a ratings hit again...

2. There will be NO HOUSE this time, just comedy -- NBC wants it to be more the comedy version of American Idol.

3. ...the Simon Cowell of LCS IV (a producer of the show) is tearing up established comics left and right... trying to make a scene... to be like American Idol.

4. Comics with numerous Tonight Show appearances to their credit (among other things) auditioned in LA at the Improv only to be "Simonized." (Our term, not his-- Editors)

5. Comics who have already made it on LCS IV: Gabriel Iglesias, Gene Pompa, Tig

The author warns that these are just some L.A.-based comics who've made it and that, if other comics from other cities are added, these folks may be cut. Hmmm... Stay tuned. We're not saying any of this is true... but it certainly sounds plausible. (And, in defense of Simon Cowell, he is not uniformly nasty or unnecessarily so. He is knowledgeable, he is sharp and he is honest. Might it be giving this LCS producer too much credit to compare him to Cowell?)

Sounds less like reality programming and more like a comedy contest... which, to be quite honest, is reality programming. The more things change...

posted by SHECKYmagazine.com @ 4:51 PM

---
[Note (by Joe Palen): I just had to re-post this post that somebody else wrote... because some of it made my audition seem a little less awful, and a little more like "you're in good company" (e.g., item #4, and the paragraph after item #5). Hopefully, this post will also help any other comics who auditioned for Last Comic Standing (and got slammed) realize that a lot of the slamming was just slamming for slamming's sake. And if you already knew that, just add this article to the evidence.]

Rollin', Rollin', Rollin'... Keep Them Dawgies Rollin'...

2006-03-01T16:51:00.000-08:00

Last night felt good. It wasn't the best of sets, but it wasn't the worst of sets, either. The main thing is, it was much-needed stagetime. A small but friendly group of "real" people.

Nice.

And outside of the stagetime itself, there was also the usual mingling before and after... not just with other comics, but also with a number of the customers. That's one nice thing about more intimate rooms. There may not be huge crowds, but there's the added bonus of hanging out with some of the audience... before, during, and after the show.

After my set, I had a good time yapping with some "kids" sitting next to me at the bar in the back of the room (at my age, "kids" means they were in their 20's). Before I went up, we weren't interacting. After my set, the dynamic was a bit different. Being on stage is somewhat of an ice-breaker, you know? Sometimes, I still have a hard time just striking-up small talk with people. But after going up, they know something about me, and talk about stuff in my act that they related to.

Nice.

So, what was I saying?

I guess this is it.

Tonight, it's back to acting class after over a month's hiatus. Most of the layoff was due to the fact that the instructor was directing a movie (did I already write about that in another post?), and then I missed last week because it was my daughter's birthday (balance, grasshopper).

It'll feel good to jump back into the class again (duh), in a supportive environment... and yet a tough/disciplined environment. Again... balance.

This week is like a roll-your-own performing arts school. Not only did I get to do stand-up, and am about to leave work to do some actin'... I've also been invited to do the old solo singer/guitarist/songwriter routine on Friday night.

Nice.

So, in closing, all I have to say is...

Last Comic What-ting?

Or, better yet, here's a new goal...

Last Comic Laughing

Nice.

Getting Back on the Horse

2006-02-28T03:12:00.000-08:00

It's been a week since the Last Comic Standing audition, and I'm looking forward to getting up on stage in front of real people for the first time since that infamous day. Okay, maybe not "infamous". Then again, maybe "infamous" is an accurate description.

How many times can I flip-flop in a single paragraph?

Tonight, I'll be doing one of my rare San Diego performances. Co-workers might show up for this one (since it's within the same hemisphere as our job), which is a double-edged sword. After all of these years, it shouldn't make a difference... but it does. So maybe I should leave the word "shouldn't" out of the mix? I mean, what we feel is what we feel. Who's to say what we "should" and "shouldn't" feel?

The double-edged sword has to do with the fact that they've seen my act, so there's not that element of surprise that a lot of comedy relies on. But the other edge of the sword is that they are my friends, so will likely be friendly. "They like me... they really like me." The third edge (that's a strange sword?!) is that if I suck, I have to face them the next day.

But all-in-all, it's good to have friends, isn't it? And chances are, I'm not going to totally suck (how's _that_ for confidence?!). It's just that, well, you never know... you know? If this were a slam-dunk, where'd the thrill be? It's the uncertainty that gets the heart pumping.

After all is said and done, much more is said than is done.

(I think that's a paraphrase of a quote I heard... so as not to be a plagiarist.)

After all is said and done, it'll be nice to get back on the horse. I could have done it last week, on the same evening as the audition. But in reality, I couldn't have, because I didn't.

Huh?

If I'd had the energy, and didn't think I'd die in an accident on the way home, I'd have gone up that evening. Fact is, I didn't have the energy, and went home. And another fact is, this is probably the better way to get back in the saddle... by going up in front of some friends, and hopefully some non-comic strangers. Had I gone up the same evening as the audition, it would have been in front of mostly comics... who've seen me week after week for nearly a year. That's okay for working-out and developing new material, but probably wouldn't have served as much of a confidence booster after 13 hours waiting in line for my less-than-stellar moment-in-the-sun.

Mmmmyeah... I think this way is better.

In any event, it's the way I've chosen.

Go As Fast As You Can... Slowly

2006-02-27T16:42:00.000-08:00

Years ago, after my mom and dad had built-up a lucrative rent-a-car business, people would ask my dad how they did it. One of his replies was the following:

"Go as fast as you can... slowly."

Back then, as a young pup, I thought he was nuts, joking, or both. Now, as a crusty old dog, the message is finally sinking in. It definitely applies to my current pursuit of a career in Hollywood, and it's something I definitely didn't understand when I crashed & burned in Hollywood years ago.

I'd explain further, but my guess is that if the message doesn't sink in all by itself, no amount of verbose explanation is going to drive it home. You'll either get it immediately, or it'll hit you years later.

Hopefully, you're smarter than me, and it hit you right away.

Fight On... and on, and on, and on...

Bee Sting

2006-02-26T10:07:00.000-08:00

My 10-year-old daughter compared the poison that's still in my system from the comments by the one guy at the Last Comic Standing audition to being stung by a bee...

First, you can't get the stinger out. Then, after you get it out, the poison is still in there. It itches. There's a red splotch. You just can't stop it from stinging. But eventually, the red splotch and the itching go away.

That's my favorite metaphor about this situation so far.

It's not a huge tragedy, so the Phoenix/Ashes thing is a bit too large and dramatic (as my wife made clear to me when I used that metaphor last night).

Lemons/Lemonade is a good reminder for taking positive action in the aftermath (and it's not as dramatic as the Phoenix/Ashes thing), but it doesn't cover the part that you can't do anything about. Taking action is good, but it doesn't remove the poison all by itself.

Enter the Bee Sting metaphor. "Time heals all wounds."

Okay, maybe not all wounds. And maybe all wounds don't heal completely. But in this case, I'm sure it will heal. How do I know? Well, because it's only been five days, and the itching has nearly disappeared. That guy's little stinger wasn't enough to put me in the hospital. It just made me scratch for a few days.

And since I've stopped scratching, there's a clearer picture in my head of the guy sitting next to him. The one that didn't sting me. His smiling face and positive comment are finally coming into focus...

And I can barely see the red splotch.

Turds In The Punchbowl

2006-02-24T15:39:00.000-08:00

I'm guilty of the same crime as the news media (and most other human beings, for that matter)...

Focusing on the bad stuff (a.k.a., the "turds in the punchbowl").

The phrase "turds in the punchbowl" is not mine, by the way. Can't remember where I first heard it. I Googled the phrase, got thousands of hits, read a number of interesting stories... but no indication of the origin of the phrase.

In any event, the reason I'm bringing this up now is because of my blogging, talking, and thinking since the "Last Comic Standing" open call. The vast majority of the day was fine. It was normal, nice, mundane human stuff (the punch in the punchbowl)...

Conversations, laughter, commaraderie [Elapsed Time: Over 12 hours]

On the flipside, there was a small amount of nastiness (the turds)...

The guy who tried to steal my spot in line [Elapsed Time: Maybe 15 minutes]
The nasty parting shot by one of the talent scouts [Elapsed Time: About 5 seconds].

Then why have I spent the majority of my time since the audition talking and thinking about the number-stealer and the bitch-slapper?

Well, one reason might be because I'm human.

But it stills bothers me. All of that good stuff, and the prevailing feelings are negative.

There's still hope, however. Coming to the realization that most of the day was good (and that I don't actually suck) is helping me to reverse the trend. And I've found a bunch of other blogs written by other people who auditioned that day, too... which has helped to put things in perspective. And those other bloggers also mentioned that they had a lot of fun hanging out in the line, waiting to be bitch-slapped.

Ooops... there I go again.

Now it's time to go pick up my kids at school. There's some more perspective. They don't care what happened at that audition. In fact, they're probably tired of hearing about it. And best of all, they think I'm an okay guy... no matter what that guy from the Tonight Show said.

Reminder: Man in the Arena

2006-02-23T11:01:00.000-08:00

Yesterday's nasty comment from one of the Last Comic Standing "talent scouts" is still echoing in my head. Though his venom is not about to make me quit, it has made me stop and think. Mostly, I've been thinking about how easy it is to criticize. Which brings me to the following quote...

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."

-- Theodore Roosevelt

Last Comic Standing Audition... National TV?! (ouch)!

2006-02-22T03:54:00.000-08:00

I feel like I've been Punk'd. After spending 13 hours on the sidewalk outside of the Improv (at least I didn't camp-out the day before for the humiliation), I walked through the curtain, NBC cameras rolling, and had one of the Tonight Show guys pull a "Simon" (American Idol) on me.

The other guy seemed to like me, but that surely won't matter to the editor. They've now got a perfect sound bite (and I do mean "bite") to slam me in front of millions of people.

The details are this...

I opened with a bit about being a former USC linebacker... (paraphrasing) "three years on the team, came off the bench for one play as a Senior, but I did set a college football record that year because... I graduated. Teammates went onto the NFL, made millions of dollars but... I got my degree. They've got nothing to fall back on."

So, here's the slam from the Tonight Show guy as I'm walking off the stage...

"It's a good thing you've got something to fall back on, because it's not stand-up comedy."

Ouch.

What was weird is that I heard the other guy talking during my set, and he was saying "that's funny"... and they had me continue. I thought they were cutting me off when I heard their voices over the PA after my first joke, but when I asked if I should stop, they said, "No, go on". Well, according to what I'd heard from the people who'd auditioned during the day, that was a good sign. Some people were getting cut-off in the middle of jokes, 30 seconds into their set. The fact that they told me to continue was a good sign, right?

Wrong.

Even though I laughed it off immediately afterwards, the words of the guy who didn't like me still stung. He could've just said "Thank You", like the other guy. All day, people were saying all they'd heard was "Thank You", and that was that. But I guess his call-back to my joke makes for better TV. At least, that's what some people were saying to console me after my set.

The thing is this...

I know I'm not the best comic in the world. But I also know that after several years and several hundred times on stage, I'm not the worst, either. People have been known to laugh during my act. This guy's comment was the kind of thing you might say to somebody who showed up for this thing without any stand-up experience (and I know for a fact there were a lot of those).

Or, it's the kind of thing you say to comic #116 out of #120, no matter what kind of experience that comic has. Yeah, that was me. #116 out of #120, feeling fortunate to be in the last group of comics to be seen. I'm not sure how many didn't get seen, because they stopped numbering the applications somewhere in the #200's. I feel really sorry for the group right behind me. They showed up only minutes after I did (between 4:00-4:30AM), and didn't get the chance to roll the dice (the cut-off happened between 4:30-5:00PM).

Speaking of some applications not being numbered, there were some weasels trying to scam their way into the line by writing a number on their un-numbered applications. One of those weasels wrote #116 on his application. Well, luckily for me, I had about a dozen witnesses watching my back. We'd been sitting together for 13 hours, and weren't about to let some weasel take my spot (let alone cut in front of the hundred or more people behind me). That really made for a relaxing scene just before going into the studio. The weasel was getting very confrontational, yelling at all of us (and the production staff) as if he'd been the one getting screwed. Then, just as he was leaving, he turned to me and said, "No hard feelings". He put his hand out, looking for a fist-bump, and I told him to take a hike.

Anyway, it was a real natural setting for stand-up... hours on the curb, no audience in the studio, two "talent scouts" glaring in the middle of the room, various & sundry people staring from the back of the room... and the "talent scouts" talking over their hot microphones over the PA during your set.

Some other comics warned me about their experiences from previous seasons, and yet, I still had to live through it myself to believe it.

I may be on the verge of being seen by millions of people, and it kinda makes me sick to my stomach.

The funny thing is that I've been wanting to get on National TV for some time now, and may have finally gotten my wish. Unfortunately, if it does happen, it'll be as one of the suckie comics on Episode One.

Hey, I can still keep my hopes up. Maybe I'll be the "William Hung" of stand-up?

Joe "Be Careful, You Might Get What You Wish For" Palen

It's a Wrap!

2006-02-15T14:33:00.000-08:00

Before I begin (wait... I _am_ beginning), let me just say that what happened on Valentine's Day did not give me a big head. I do _not_ have a big head. Okay, maybe physically. I see pictures of myself next to people, and am amazed at the size of my head compared with theirs.

But that's another story.

The point is this...

The shoot couldn't have gone better. In my wildest dreams about how my first shoot would go, I didn't dream it would go the way it did. It was a bigger shoot than anticipated (38 crew members, a wardrobe/production trailer, a make-up/talent trailer, two semi-trucks for the gear, and best of all... free food all day!), and my experience/performance on the set far exceeded my expectations (how often does _that_ happen?).

Grab a cup of coffee, folks... maybe a whole pot. This is a long story, but I have to let it out...

The whole day was surreal (or is that "so real"?). Hanging out in the trailers? Going through wardrobe and make-up? Being shuffled from place to place by the 2nd AD (_and_ learning what a 2nd AD does)?

On the one hand, it was unreal. On the other hand, I felt right at home.

And luckily, that "right at home" feeling also happened when I was called to the set.

Although, when I first walked onto the set, it was a bit overwhelming.

In the past couple of weeks, every door that opened (literally and figuratively) revealed something bigger than I’d imagined. Walking through this door revealed a roomful of people and equipment like those you usually only see in one of those “behind the scenes” special features on a movie DVD. This was a commercial shoot, but it had all the look and feel of a movie set. The picture in my head from the night before (when I was doing some positive visualization of being on the set) was now replaced by an even more impressive picture… including a stand-in sitting where I was about to be sitting.

Yeah, I had a stand-in.

Hah!

What a riot.

They sat me down on the couch, and continued dressing the set around me. There I was, all alone at the focal point of this big production, doing my best to be as relaxed as was humanly possible… with prop people swapping the red pillow for the white pillow, filling my bowl with pretzels, then switching out the pretzels for Doritos… one of the make-up ladies touching me up… the wardrobe lady tweaking my outfit… some guy by the camera extending a tape measure to the tip of my nose… and the director squatted down at my feet, giving me direction (“we’re going to want to go slow here, fast there, emphasize this, de-emphasize that, etc., etc., etc.,)…

And all of this was happening at the same time.

Somehow, I managed to stay focused, and give them what they were looking for. In fact, they even had time for some “gravy” (which I first thought was a cue for going to lunch, but soon discovered meant that we had what we were looking for, and now had some extra time to improvise a bit).

After I finished shooting my primary script, the director complimented me on being "very well rehearsed", the executive producer was all smiles, and people around the location were calling me "Superstar".

They must be joking, right?

I mean, "Superstar" must be some kind of Hollywood insider slang for "rookie over the top". It couldn't possibly mean I was actually _that_ good.

My guard was up. I didn't want to get my head inflated to the point where I wouldn't be ready to shoot the back-up script if called upon.

But I took the compliments... saying a simple, "Thank you"... and continued to conserve energy while soaking-in the day, and waiting to see if they'd need me again.

And they did.

The bad news is that the reason I was called upon again was because the job wasn't getting done by one of the other actors... or "talent", as they kept calling us.

That's another word I'm not accustomed to hearing in reference to me. When one of the production staff said something like, "The talent needs water"... I almost looked over my shoulder to see where the "talent" was. "Did somebody just walk onto the set?” I thought. Then, realizing they were talking about me, I had to fight back a grin. "Act like you've been there before", a little voice in my head told me. They knew I was a rookie (since I don't pad my resume), but there was no need to remind them of that by tittering like a little girl every time they called me "talent".

So, back to the mixed emotions of getting another moment in the sun...

For most of the day, I'd been hanging out with this other actor in the trailer. There's lots of downtime during a shoot (anybody who's seen those "behind the scenes" things knows that), so we talked a lot. And there were other actors and production staff coming in and out of the trailer throughout the day, too. But as each spot was completed to their satisfaction, one by one the actors were getting "wrapped" (i.e., "you can go home now"), and eventually I was sitting alone in the trailer. Occasionally, somebody would wander in and out, but for the most part, I was alone... doing my best to stay relaxed, and periodically glancing at the rewritten script that the other actor had left behind...

Just in case I was needed.

At some point, the 2nd AD told me to head over to wardrobe...

Just in case I was needed.

He wasn't sure yet, but somebody was speaking into his headset, telling him to get me prepared...

Just in case I was needed.

The responsibility of this back-up position started to grow in my mind, and I started to run the new lines in my head more often. If I was needed, that meant they'd just burned a lot of money, so I had to make extra sure I was ready.

This wasn't what I wished for. I was prepared for it, just in case... but that other actor and I had bonded throughout the day, so it was sad to hear that he was having trouble on the set. I'd been helping him prepare in the trailer while we waited for our turns, and knew he was really nervous, but was hoping the director would be able to get him to that relaxed and conversational tone they were looking for.

Then the word came that it was time for me to go back to the set.

As I started walking away from the trailer, I saw the other actor being brought back from the set, with a stunned look on his face. One of the make-up ladies was walking out in front of him, crying. Other crewmembers were heading towards her, asking what happened. The other make-up lady grabbed me by the arm, like she was escorting me to a dance. She flashed a huge smile and said, "Come on, gorgeous!”

Yeah, I know... I'm not really "gorgeous". It's like when a waitress calls you "sweetheart". You know it's not really true, but it feels good anyway, right?

So, arm-in-arm, we headed back to the set.

Did I mention that this was a set built in somebody's house? They may have actually rented the entire cul-de-sac for the shoot, because the part of the neighborhood that was blocked-off was dead. And we'd eaten lunch in the driveway of the house across the street, so I know they'd at least paid for two houses to be empty for the shoot.

Anyway, the reason I bring this up is because as we were walking back to the set, some neighborhood kids had gathered near the front of the house (as close as the police and security guard would let them). It felt kinda cool walking past those kids while I was dressed in wardrobe and make-up, arm-in-arm with a cute make-up lady... feeling like a (dare I say it)... “Superstar”.

Mixed emotions... sad for the other actor, feeling like a “Superstar”, fish-out-of-water, excited, relaxed, comfortable, confident...

Is this really happening?

We headed past the producers (who were sitting in the garage, watching the shoot in their remote monitors), and back into the house/set. The energy was definitely different than during the first shoot. People were swarming around me, asking if I needed anything, and really going out of their way to make me feel comfortable. Not that they'd done anything to make me uncomfortable during the first shoot. It's just that this time around, they were in "pamper" mode.

After all, I'm a "Superstar", right?

Yeah, right.

Little did I know that earlier in the day, when they were calling me "Superstar", they actually were giving me a compliment. I finally allowed myself to believe that it actually was meant as praise, and not some sarcastic remark. Okay, not like I'm actually a "Superstar", but like I'd actually done a professional job, and looked good enough on camera to where they had dressed me up again to do another spot.

Speaking of "looking good on camera", that was another question in my head before getting this first shoot. Believing in yourself is one thing, and performing on stage is one thing, but being photogenic is another thing altogether. What if after all these years of dreaming about being on TV and in the movies, I just didn't come across well on film? That would suck, wouldn't it?

As it turns out, apparently I'm photogenic enough to keep plugging away at this.

That became obvious partway through the shooting the 2nd spot. One of the production crew was looking down on the set from up on a stairwell, and told me, "You're doing great". "Thank you", I casually responded. "No, you don't get it", he went on, "you're saving our asses". Again, doing my best to stay calm, I thanked him, and remembered how often it happens in life that somebody will heap praise on someone, only to have that person trip over their own feet moments later.

Focus... inhale... focus... exhale... focus... look... focus... listen...

We continued with the shoot, and by the end of it, that same guy up on the stairwell said to me, "Man, you're our All-Star Pinch-Hitter. Let's hear it for Joe."

And the entire set broke into applause.

Who in their right mind would _ever_ imagine a roomful of crewmembers busting into applause during their first commercial shoot... or _any_ shoot, for that matter?

I acknowledged the applause, shook the director's hand, and started wandering towards the make-up and wardrobe ladies, who were sitting on the perimeter of the set. They told me what a good job I'd done, and I told them, "It's a bittersweet feeling. I’m glad I did a good job, but I feel bad for [the other actor]."

At this point, I'm not sure exactly what they said, or what I said... but there was some head-nodding, a little moment of silence, and then time to find the exit. After a slight detour into a bathroom, I decided to follow the director. "You look like you know where you're going", I told him. "Sometimes I do", he replied.

I just hope this wasn't all a dream. Am I going to wake up soon, disappointed that none of this really happened? It still feels like that, even a few days later. The pictures run through my head, the realization hits me that something I've been imagining since I was a kid has actually happened, and I'm still in a state of disbelief.

This may be no big deal to all of the jaded people who've been slugging away at this for years in Hollywood, disappointed that they're not household names by now. But for me, it was a rare occasion in life where a dream came true. And it was an even more rare occasion in that the reality was even better than the dream.

This changes everything.

In one day, my pursuit of a career in Hollywood went from pipe dream to reality. If I can do it once, I can do it again. Up until this shoot, it was all speculation on my part that I could do it at all. Now, a series of small events over the last couple of weeks (from audition to booking to shooting) have given me validation. No more guesswork. I can actually hang with the big dogs.

Again... no big head. Physically, yes. Mentally, no. Confidence, yes. Huge ego, forget about it. This is actually settling me down, giving me inner strength, and reminding me how much to quiet the ego, become even more disciplined, and let the God-given talents take over.

And I'm barely out of the starting gate.

The Eve of My First Commercial Shoot

2006-02-13T16:59:00.000-08:00

Every little step along the way of this process, my guard is up, not taking for granted that the next step will come.

The latest example of that came to an end a short while ago, when I (finally) received a call from the production office, telling me my call time for tomorrow.

Even though they said they'd call me Monday to tell me the call time for Tuesday, I was becoming less relaxed as the day progressed without a call. Then, at 4:22 PM, the phone rang. Paraphrasing...

"The call time for Tuesday is 8:00 AM. Be at cast/crew parking by that time, and a shuttle will take you to the shoot."

[JOE EXHALES.]

Now I can get back to the business of relaxing. All weekend, I was relaxed. And why not? I've been invited to this party. They picked me (and 11 other actors) out of the crowd, and think we're the ones to do the best job on this particular job.

That's a nice little confidence booster.

The only reason I stopped being relaxed today was because of the aforementioned anxiety over not receiving a phone call earlier in the day. It had nothing to do with second thoughts about my ability to do the job. As far as that part of it goes, I'm ready to have fun, be myself, and (in golfing terms) "grip it and rip it".

At this exact moment, I'm ready to leave my day job... just for the day, mind you (though I wouldn't mind if the day came when there was enough money in the bank to say goodbye to software engineering again).

But for now, let's focus on this one job.

I'm ready to leave for the day, to begin heading physically and mentally towards that one job. First I've got to buy a pair of jeans (I already bought a "sports fan" shirt at lunch), wash my car, and go give Valentine's cards to my girls. Since I won't be at home on Valentine's day, they're getting their customized Ricky Roach cards a day early.

Juggling _can_ be fun, you know?

(It's just waiting for those phone calls that I have to get used to.)

First Commercial Booking in LA

2006-02-11T01:19:00.000-08:00

"It's all happening."
-- Almost Famous

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that I'm almost famous. That's just a relevant quote from the movie "Almost Famous".

The limbo state is over. I got the call from the Casting Director telling me that I've got the booking, and the commercial shoots next Tuesday.

Needless to say (but I'll say it anyway), I'm jazzed. Want to know how jazzed I am? I never use the word "jazzed". That's how jazzed I am.

Actually, I use the word "jazzed" whenever I repeat that attempt at humor.

Man, oh, man... this feels good. And it's not just the bottle of champagne I just polished off. I've been floating since I got the call.

Though I do have to remind myself not to get too high. Don't get too high, don't get too low. Balance, grasshopper.

Ah, to heck with that BS. I'm feeling good!!

There's nothing like the first time.

This is validation. It's popping my cherry in LA. It's all kinds of things. It's the start of a snowball. It's... it's... it's about time.

Not that it took all that long since I started pursuing this avenue. Far from it. This booking came on my second audition. And to raise my batting average even higher, it came on my first commercial audition.

When I told my dad it might be a good idea to quit with that high percentage of bookings, he agreed, and suggested that I could start teaching workshops on how to book 50% of your auditions. Later on, we had to revise that to say that I could teach how to book 100% of your commercial auditions.

Reality check... I might not book my next 20.

But in the meantime, this feels pretty damn good. I was prepared to wait a year or two to get my first commercial booking. That was based on anecdotes from working commercial actors. It just goes to show you, you never know. Even as recently as this morning, I didn't know.

And after waiting all week for the call, I was afraid that I'd missed my chance.

I'd decided to stop calling my voicemail several times an hour, and waited until lunch to check my messages. Well, after waiting from Monday to Friday for the call, I had two messages from the CD. The first one was at 10:51 AM, congratulating me, and asking me to call back "immediately" to confirm. Then at about 11:15, there was another message, urging me to call back "immediately". I'm not sure I even let that message finish playing. I called her back, thinking that I may have missed the window of opportunity. But all turned out okay. I got the booking.

Needless to say (but I'll repeat it again), I'm feeling pretty damn good right now.

This feeling can fuel me for quite a while... not to mention paying for my acting classes for a few months.

I love it when a plan comes together.

Thanks to the powers that be, on earth and beyond.

First Time "On Avail"

2006-02-09T22:26:00.000-08:00

Since Monday, I've been "on avail" for a commercial. In case you don't know what that means [note: I didn't know until very recently], it means that I've passed the audition, but don't have the booking yet. It's a limbo state.

The audition was in Los Angeles (on January 30th). A week later (February 6th), the Casting Director called (actually, one of her assistants called) to tell me they'd like to put me on avail for the shooting dates next week (February 13th and 14th). I called to confirm, and am now playing the waiting game.

This is part of the deal.

No matter how far I go, and no matter how long I stay in this industry...

This is part of the deal.

Everybody goes on auditions, waits for call-backs, waits to get put on avail, and waits to get bookings. It doesn't matter if it's for $750, or $7.5 million dollars, everybody is waiting for the phone to ring.

This is part of the deal.

I knew that before going on my first audition (on January 9th, by the way). During a class last summer (Commercial Auditions, Second City), the instructor (Tom Booker) taught us the ropes, and prepared us for this.

This is part of the deal.

Fine. I know that. You know that. Whoever you are, you probably know that. And if you didn't know that before, you know that after reading the last several paragraphs.

This is part of the deal.

The thing is, no matter how much I repeat that to myself, it's still hard. Okay, not hard in a back-breaking sense. Not hard in a losing-a-loved-one sense. Let's get some perspective here. It's hard in its own way. It's not exactly excruciating. It's not exactly numbing, death-defying, heart-breaking, or fill-in-the-blank-with-your-favorite-pain-ing.

Nonetheless, it's no cup-of-tea, either.

With that said (yeah, I said that), it sure beats the living shit (yeah, I said that, too) out of not doing it at all.

While I was driving back from another audition earlier this week (was it yesterday? time is off-kilter at the moment), I had a huge smile on my face. Why? Because I had only started submitting myself for auditions in December (file under: it's about time), had only gotten my first audition(s) in January, and was suddenly in the position of being in the running for two projects at the same time (that's "simultaneously", for those of you looking for a single word rather than four words).

In the whole grand scheme of things, this may be no big deal. But in my little scheme of things, it's pretty cool. My expectations were set low by the folks "in the know" (no rhyme intended). That is, you see, some folks who do this for a living have been kind enough to share some ratios with me. And based on those ratios, I didn't expect to get many auditions in the beginning.

For one thing, I don't have representation. And without representation, it's harder to get auditions.

For another thing, even when you get auditions, you're not supposed to sit around waiting for the phone to ring. It doesn't ring very often. What you're supposed to do is just keep submitting, hope to get some responses, and just keep going out on auditions, knowing that once in a while, you'll get call-backs. Maybe 1 out of every 20 times.

So, when I got a call-back on my second audition, I was pleasantly surprised. Even though I felt like I was right for the part, I was still in a state of disbelief when the voice in the recorded voicemail told me that they'd like to put me on avail.

The thing about ratios is that they're not evenly distributed. Since I've got a degree in Mathematics, I know that kind of stuff. You know it, too. You just may not know the theorems behind the stuff. Am I getting too technical here, talking about "stuff"?

The point is (on top of my head, but besides that)... I said, the point is that 1-in-20 doesn't mean _exactly_ 1-in-20. It means that in the long run, you're doing okay if you get 1 callback for every 20 auditions [note: your mileage may vary]. In the short run, you might get 1-in-2. Or you might get 1-in-100.

This is part of the deal.

No matter what, it sure beats the heck out of not doing it. Oh, did I already mention that? And did I already mention that another reason I had a smile on my face driving back from another audition this week was because this was all just a thought in my little head last year? No magic was involved. We all have the power. Think it, then do it. It's that simple.

One thing I didn't mention (but am about to mention) is that there's a "cosmic" reason I'd really like to score this particular booking.

My mom's birthday is February 13th.

Wouldn't that be a cool story to tell on David Letterman's couch? Or chair. Whatever kind of furniture it happens to be, or whatever host happens to be sitting on the other side of the desk, it would be cool to talk about the fact that when my mom died, it really drove home the point that life is too short, and that my mom and dad often talked about me "missing my calling" when I quit pursuing a career in Hollywood, and that my first "break" (be it little or big) in Hollywood was a commercial that shot on her birthday.

As my dad said, the thought makes me happy and sad.

So, I may not be in control of what happens here, but am still holding out the hope that the above story will become part of my bio in the future.

Until they call to tell me they've released me from the avail, it's still possible.

And if they don't book me on this one, there's a whole world of possibility around the next corner.

That, too, is part of the deal.

Happy New Year

2006-01-13T17:11:00.000-08:00

The year's off to a good start. Since the first of the year, I've had my first non-stand-up audition in Los Angeles, performed stand-up twice in one evening for the first time in a long time, and started taking acting class.

I've even done Karaoke.

It's all connected.

As much as I've avoided Karaoke over the years, the urge hit me between stand-up spots this past Tuesday. I'd already done a show at the Improv in Brea, then raced across town for my second spot of the evening at Martini Blues in Huntington Beach. When I got to Martini Blues, I discovered that I'd have a _lot_ of time to kill. I'd requested a late spot, so it wasn't a problem or anything. It's just that the drive from Brea was quicker than I'd thought. So, next thing I knew, I was doing Karaoke.

It's all connected.

When people go to a Performing Arts school, they learn multiple disciplines. Nothing new. I'm just doing a roll-your-own Performing Arts school.

Taking the plunge into a "real" acting class feels real good. Not only does it put me on the road to becoming a disciplined actor, but it also takes some of the pressure off of the stand-up path. Maybe that's not the best way to put it. What I mean is, since all of my eggs aren't in one basket, I don't feel the need to push so much to get "seen" by the folks at the Hollywood Improv (for example). That's not off of the table, but it's also not an all-or-nothing thing anymore.

And getting that audition earlier this week was a cool milestone. And to think... it only took me fifteen years to get it. Stephanie and I moved to LA early in 1991, and were living back in San Diego before the end of 1991. About seven months. And in that time, I didn't get a single audition. There's a reason. I had no clue how to get one. Now, I've got a slight clue, and have finally popped my audition cherry.

Not a huge milestone, mind you. But a milestone nonetheless. It's like that ancient Chinese proverb about a journey of a thousand miles beginning with a single, "Oh, crap! I've got a thousand miles ahead of me!!".

Or something like that.

And the trippy thing about the audition is that it was just a stone's throw from the apartment complex my parents used to manage. Just a couple tenths of a mile away, in the same 100 block (audition at 10960 Wilshire, parents' old apartment at 10969 Rochester). Considering the massive sprawl that is Los Angeles, I can't even calculate the odds of that happening. It was a strange feeling walking around that area before and after the audition. Can't put it into words. Let's just say there's some full-circle stuff, some looking to the sky stuff, some holding back some tears stuff...

It's all connected.

Where Has All The Blogging Gone?

2005-12-20T14:18:00.000-08:00

This is just like my private Journal. Yeah, I said it. "Journal". Not "diary". Jour-nal.

In any case, whatever you call it, I've never been one to keep it up on a regular basis. No rude comments here. There's always innuendo. We'll pass past this one.

Pass past?

Not in the mood to hit the backspace button, this is much like an "old school" journal entry. Okay, not exactly. I am correcting small errors as I go along.

But what about the original question?

"Where has all the blogging gone?"

Is it because I don't care? Maybe.

Mostly, though, it goes back to just a few sentences ago. I'm just not one to keep anything like this, or anything else, going on a regular basis.

The good news is that I've continued to do stuff in real life (IRL). And isn't that the most important thing? Maybe not to the daily bloggers, but that's what matters to me. And that's not to say that all daily bloggers aren't doing anything IRL. It's just to say that maybe 99% are that way.

The same goes for regular message board posters. Who has time to have a life IRL, _and_ post 97 messages a day?

So, back to the first point...

"Where has all the blogging gone?"

More importantly, who cares?

Answer: Confidence, Confidence, and Confidence

2005-10-16T12:49:00.000-07:00

Question: What are the three most important requirements for success?
---

The more experience I get, the more it becomes clear that attitude is the key. This isn't a comedy thing. It's a life thing.

And it's obvious when you think about it.

(But if it's obvious, do you have to think about it?)

Sometimes, it's just seems embarrassingly simple. For the past few weeks, that's the feeling I've been having. It seems simple. Clearly, attitude is the key.

This keeps being driven home by personal experience, and is reinforced by various books and CD's. The lesson is nothing new. That's okay. We've all heard this statement: "There's nothing new under the sun". Even that statement is as old as recorded history.

The fact that there's nothing new means that we just keep reliving experiences that we've relived before. We keep experiencing things that humans have experienced throughout history. And yet, we keep forgetting the lessons, relearning them, forgetting them... ad infinitum.

So, even though it seems painfully simple now that attitude is the key, it's also painfully obvious that I'm likely to forget that someday.

Or am I?

Maybe this is the time that I finally get it, and keep it. Maybe this is the time where I finally understand that no matter how much negative stuff is bombarding me on a daily basis, I can maintain control over my own attitude. Maybe this is the time where I finally realize that nobody else can make me feel a certain way. If I feel a certain way, that's on me. I have nobody to blame but myself.

Only time will tell.

All I know right now is that this feels good. It doesn't mean I have a perfectly positive attitude every minute of the day. What it does mean is that when I do slide into a negative attitude, I know that it's within my power to remove my head from within my anal cavity.

Nice metaphor, eh?

Whether I'm walking towards a stage to grab the microphone, walking towards the front of the line to slate my name in an audition, or walking down a hallway at work... my attitude is up to me. I can be confident, or wallowing in pity.

It's up to me.

Game Day in Hollywood!

2005-09-06T13:21:00.000-07:00

Tonight's my first 8:00PM show at the Hollywood Improv. As a reminder to myself, it won't be my last... unless I take a fatalistic view about being hit by the proverbial bus. Actually, a proverbial bus wouldn't do much damage. It's the actual bus I'd be more worried about.

But aside from the bus scenario, this will not be my last time. That thought is prevalent in my head right now because I've got more than the usual level of Game Day butterflies. That's a good thing, since I've never done well without being pumped-up for a gig. However, I've got to settle it down... or channel it properly. And that's what I'm working on at the moment. That's what brought me to the blog.

For most of the morning, I wasn't focused properly. The day started off great, taking the girls to their first day of school, and focusing on their experience. It's a big day for them, and I enjoyed being with them to share that experience.

Then I started thinking about my upcoming experience...

And the thoughts about tonight were starting to feel like my old habit of doubting myself, and feeling like I don't belong. That's bullshit. After all of the time and mileage I've invested in going up to Hollywood in recent months, I'm not going to sabotage myself. Or, to put it positively, it's time to blitz... make something happen... live in the moment... and have fun.

Even though I don't hope to get hit by a bus any time soon, the thing about performing is that it's got to be in the moment, as if it's the one and only time.

And if it is the one and only time, it's best to surf the wave to the shore. Let `er rip.

Own the stage.

So, from now until I get up on stage tonight, the rest of my thoughts and feelings are going to be made with a smile on my face... an evil, maniacal smile... a blood-curdling smile...

Okay, maybe I went off on an unwanted tangent there.

Nonetheless, I'm about to hit a little milestone in my return to the comedy stage, and it sure beats the alternative. I could have been at work today, watching the cubicle walls close in around me. Instead, I'm all full of butterflies, about to drive up for a show at the Hollywood Improv.

In the words of my alma mater...

Fight On!

Game Day!

2005-08-30T08:28:00.000-07:00

I'll be at the Ontario Improv tonight for the first time. Gary Cannon and I have been corresponding via e-mail for a number of months now, but tonight will be the first time we meet IRL. He's been great with the e-mail correspondence, and as I've mentioned on a number of occasions, that's not to be taken for granted. Many e-mails fall into black holes. So even though it's taken months to get on this stage, it's been a pleasant process. I almost feel like Gary and I have met already.

Can you _feel_ the love?

This is going to be a nice couple of weeks... tonight at Ontario Improv, next Tuesday at Hollywood Improv, next Wednesday at Martini Blues, and the following Tuesday at Brea Improv.

It's feast or famine, eh?

That's life.

Time for a feast!

About Me (myspace.com profile)

2005-08-23T11:42:00.000-07:00

[Here's a snapshot of my profile on myspace (before removing some details).]

Here Tiz...

I woke up a couple of years ago, once again realizing that life's too short to be stuck in a cubicle. If cubicles are your thing, no offense. I just don't want to look back at my life and wonder, "What if?". Like, "What if I'd actually ventured out of my cubicle long enough to fulfill one of my dreams?".

My bad pattern has been to pursue a dream only long enough to _almost_ grab the brass ring...
+ USC Linebacker (1978-80: hundreds of practices, one game, knee injury, skip last year of eligibility, done)
+ Cartoonist (1984: submit strips, receive rejections, done)
+ Stand-Up Comic (1986-91: hundreds of shows, move to LA, stop having fun, overwhelmed, done)
+ Actor (1996: community theatre, one play, done)
+ Singer/Songwriter (1999-2002: lots of coffeehouses, dead end, done)

Now I'm in the stretch drive, the mantra is "have fun", and it's "brass ring or bust"...
+ Comedian/Author/Actor (2003-Present: campaigning at the Hollywood Improv, writing my first book, taking improv/acting classes to prepare for auditions)

I'm a comedian. Always have been. Always will be. The fact that I quit doing it on stage for 12 years is a technicality. I'm on the Rodney Dangerfield Plan. He also quit doing stand-up for 12 years, and resumed his showbiz career in his 40's. It's never too late. Wait, I take it back. It's too late once you're six-feet-under. Until then, Fight On!

Focus On Getting Better

2005-08-21T20:28:00.000-07:00

Around and around we go. One day, I'm thinking about what it will take to get to the proverbial "next level", and the answer is "marketing". The next day, the answer is "talent". As with most things, the answer lies somewhere in the middle. Making progress requires a combination of things. For now, however, I need to get back to focusing on improving my performance. In fact, for the past few weeks, I have already gotten back to making that the number one priority. I'm still sending out some e-mails, and thinking a little bit about marketing, but am making sure to work mostly on improving my voice, pacing, etc. The little digital recorder I picked up not long ago has come in very handy. I've been able to go through things with a fine-toothed comb. Not just the live performances. Also on the in-car rehearsals while commuting. Fundamentals. Just like the old days playing football. When in doubt, get back to fundamentals. Record the practices, and then go back and forth over every detail.

Just over the horizon is my first non-open-mic performance at the Hollywood Improv. And whether or not anything results from that is such a crap shoot. It depends on who's in the room, and whether or not they like me and my act. The constant reminder is that I have no control over those things. All I can hope to have any level of control over is myself. And that's even questionable. On any given day, who know what level of control I'll have over myself?

In any case, September 6th (the date has been moved from September 20th) is going to be fun... assuming it happens. The gig still hasn't shown up on the Improv calendar, so I'm prepared for it not happening. We'll see. I have to plan for it happening, obviously. It's just that, well, this is showbiz. You never know what's going to happen. All I do know is that I'd rather be doing this than not doing it. And the more I'm back into it, the more I know that this is what I'm meant to be doing. There were years of denial. Or fear? Whatever it was that stopped me for all of those years doesn't matter. I'm in it again, and here to stay. Whether or not I get my first TV spot this year, next year, or the year after that... it's going to happen. I have no choice anymore. Well, okay... I always have a choice. But the point is, the more I look back at all of the years I stopped doing this, the more determined I am to stay the course this time. I'm 45 years old. It's not like I've got a lot of chances left. This feels like the stretch drive. Even though I've heard stories of people who've started new careers in their 60's or 70's, I think it's best if I don't take another break this time. I'd like to be working at something I love to do in the coming years, and that's not going to happen if I anchor myself to a cubicle again. I still have to be responsible, and do what I'm getting paid to do in that cubicle. But it's the stuff I'm doing outside of the cubicle that's keeping me from going completely nuts. Partially nuts is okay. Somebody might even be willing to pay me for being partially nuts. Completely nuts isn't very marketable. Not even in Hollywood. And that's a moot point anyway. The path that was leading me to being completely nuts had nothing to do with Hollywood. It had to do with a cubicle, and no hope for the future. Damn, it feels good to dream again. I have to remind myself, whenever I'm working on that "next level" stuff, that the journey is what it's all about. Getting to the "next level" is an ongoing effort. Every time I get to the "next level", I'll be shooting for another "next level" above that. So, grasshopper, remember to enjoy the journey. And remember to be a good dad. Because if I'm not a good dad, nothing else matters. I'm not trading my family in for anything. They're coming along for the ride. Balance, grasshopper.

[Ramble mode off.]

New Flyer for My First Booking at the Hollywood Improv (Date Changed)

2005-08-13T17:30:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: I didn't go to an Ivy League school, but some of the comics did... so it's still technically an Ivy League show. As for me, I went to the University of Southern California (USC)... which does have a lot of ivy-covered buildings. There, I feel better now.

Flyer for My First Booking at the Hollywood Improv

2005-07-28T20:44:00.000-07:00

NOTE: DATE CHANGED TO TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 6TH!

Martini Blues (7/26/05)

2005-07-26T11:17:00.000-07:00

Did another "booked open mic" at Martini Blues. This time around, I used nearly all new material. For the past several weeks, I'd been focusing on rearranging my existing act. Now that I'm feeling good about the structure of the "standard" set, it's time to jump out of the plane without a parachute again.

Prior to this set, I finally got around to buying a small digital recorder. This is going to help my progress. No big secret there. I used to record myself all the time. Now I'm returning to the fundamentals. And after only one crappy open mic set, it's obvious that I need to record every set. I learned a lot from listening over and over to a crappy set. For one thing, I learned that my pacing still speeds up at times, to unintelligible levels. That's my #1 thing to work on in the coming weeks...

S... L... O... W...
D... O... W... N!

It's not as bad as it was last year. I'd recorded myself at the Irvine Improv, and was shocked to hear how fast I was going. And mumbling to boot. How can the crowd follow me along for the ride if they can't understand what I'm saying? Duh.

So, I've improved, but need to improve some more.

Mainly, I speed up a lot when I'm filling gaps. And there were a lot of gaps to fill during this particular set. When I'm improvising, I tend to speed up... and mumble. Every once in a while, I caught myself speeding up, took a breath, and slowed down. What I need to do is not speed up in the first place.

Listening to the recording over and over, I also found that there's still a lot of superflous words in some of my new set-ups. As I was listening, I was yelling at the recorder, "Get to the point".

I've already gotten my money's worth on the $90 digital recorder.

My First Booking at the Hollywood Improv (and LLS #2)

2005-07-19T23:42:00.000-07:00

The open mic at the Hollywood Improv is on hiatus through the summer. But I'd already reserved a ticket for the Late Late Show, so decided to make the trek up to Hollywood anyway.

One of the guests on LLS was a comic, and that helped in the "making it real" exercise. I got to see him walk to hit his mark only several feet away from me (I was in the front row... like my old days "on the bench" at USC... "the more things change, the more they stay the same"), learned that the comic's act is provided on cuecards (keywords only, not totally written out like the host's monologue), and watched his act through the camera operator's viewfinder (not a view you normally get, needless to say... but I said it anway).

After the show, I was going to try getting a spot at the Laugh Factory. The key word is "try". As it turns out, I drove past it a few times, looked for parking after each drive-by, and eventually gave up. If I'd really wanted to do it, I'd have found parking somewhere. The truth is, I wasn't really keen on the idea to begin with, so it wasn't that hard to bail. Maybe I'll learn the ropes there someday, and figure out how to get a showcase without waiting in line by the curb. Or maybe I'll decide one day to wait in line by the curb. In the meantime, back to the Improv. There's only so much time in a day, and only so many ropes we can learn.

At the Improv, my "usual spot" was taken, so I sat at a table next to the entrance of the dining room. While I was eating dinner, I saw Lesley Wolff, the comic/producer who'd seen me get pulled out of the audience during one of her recent shows. When she saw me, she came over to my table, and asked me for my name. She sees a lot of people, so it's no big deal that she didn't remember my name at first. Especially when you consider that after hearing my name, she told me that she had me down for a spot on her next show (September 20th).

To quote a line from "Almost Famous"...

"It's all happening."

That's not to say I'm "Amost Famous". It's more the spirit of that line that I'm talking about. Stay in the moment, go places, get in the arena, get better, work on building relationships, and next thing you know... stuff happens.

So, mark your calendars, boys and girls. My first booking at the Hollywood Improv. And it only took me about a year and a half, plus an additional 6,000 miles of driving. It may sound facetious, but it's not. In the whole scheme of things, to me, that's a small price to pay. The time would have passed anyway, even if I'd spent the last 18 months sitting on my couch. Now, when time passes, there's a good chance that something will have happened. It may be "only" a Tuesday show, but it's a big deal to me. After performing between 10:30 PM and 2:00 AM for the past year, I'll take it. I've got to take it. It's where I'm at. Not ready for the weekends, but ready to graduate from the "I Can't Believe How Freakin' Late It Is" show. I'll still do those shows (if and when they return), but I'll do them with the knowledge that I've got a little notch on my belt.

Funny, isn't it? Earlier this year, I started believing that I belong there. And now, some other people believe it, too.

Coincidence?

Laguna Beach Brewing Company (7/13/2005)

2005-07-13T11:42:00.000-07:00

PDA Entry...

[Pre-Gig: First time doing gig for Lynn Epstein. TBD minutes. Planned = new "standard" set... all material... cut & pasted from 7/12/05, added back the not-so-clean stuff... & some rordering. Feed this back into new "standard".]

Additional Rambling...

Like my previous blog post, this is also being written a couple of weeks after the fact (7/29/05). I've got a few minutes to play catch-up, and didn't want to lose some of this "historical" context.

Before the gig, I hung out at the beach for a while, then wandered across the street from the beach, and into the library. That was a unique experience. The library in Laguna overlooks the ocean. It was actuallly a partial ocean view (to use hotel terminology), which was a first for me. With a lot of time to kill, I found a book by Stella Adler ("The Technique of Acting)", and sat in a comfortable chair, facing a large window overlooking the ocean. I plowed through half of the book before it was time to head over to the club, and made a note that I needed to own that book. When I said there was a lot of time to "kill", that was a misnomer. I didn't kill the time. I made good use of it.

The gigs at Brea and Laguna were on consecutive days, which hadn't happened since my previous stint as a comic back in the 20th century. It was a good week. I got to stretch my legs in Brea (15 minutes), and follow it up on the next day with another gig (8 minutes).

It's still not nearly enough work to get in a really good groove, but sure beats the heck out of the sparse scheduling I had last year. Step-by-step... brick-by-brick...

I've finally realized that I can't limit myself exclusively to the "good" clubs and "good" audiences. For one thing, that's all relative. Who's to say what's "good"? And who did I think I was, thinking that I could develop my act by only waiting around for the "good" rooms?

Live and learn.

The thing about rooms like the Laguna Beach Brewing Company is that they're not easy. It was a small room, with a handful of tables, and a capicity of maybe 25 to 30 people. The ambient lighting was a reddish hue, and there was no spotlight. There was no elevated stage. We stood on the same floor the customers were sitting on.

With all of those factors working against us, the good comics still got laughs.

It was a good reminder to me. When I watched the comics who are further along than I am, it reminded me that if it's good, it's good. My act had limited success. I didn't die, but I didn't kill, either. A couple of the comics smoked the room... at least, as much as you can smoke in a room of 25 to 30 people.

Speaking of the people, they were great. There were a lot of regular customers there, and they were there to have fun.

Bottom line... I need to keep focusing on being "good", rather than looking for "good" rooms. If it's good, it's good.

Sure, there are limits to that logic. But mostly, the "bad" rooms are the ones that are filled with comics, and those have to be kept in perspective. You do rooms full of comics for different reasons than you do rooms with paying customers. And as long as I keep focusing on my abilities and development, there's something to be learned from every room... good or bad.

So, I'm looking forward to returning to the Laguna Beach Brewing Company. Next time, I'm going to approach it with a lot more confidence. I shot myself in the foot. It was the first time I'd done a room like that in a lot of years. I never found my footing. Next time, I'm going to connect more with the audience, and own the room. I can't control the reaction of the crowd, but I can control my attitude. And "owning" the room is about confidence. It's not about "killing". It's about control. Stay in control, no matter what. And even though I didn't feel like I totally lost control during my set in Laguna, I was a bit timid. And afterwards, I was talking to one of the comics (Bernadette), and heard myself making excuses about the lighting and the sound system. That was BS. The room was fine. The crowd was friendly.

Next time, no excuses.

"Game Day!" Follow-Up

2005-07-12T23:42:00.000-07:00

Here's the only thing I wrote in my PDA after the "Pure Comedy with Thor Ramsey" show at the Brea Improv:

[Post-Gig: Great night. Reminded me why I'm doing this. I'll blog more later.]

In reality, I didn't blog more later. Although I'm posting this as if it were on the same date as the gig, it's actually a couple of weeks later (July 29th, to be exact). I just wanted to follow-up, for context.

It was a great night, about 150 people, and I did about 15 minutes. It felt great to stretch my legs. Like I noted before, this is the longest set I've been booked to do since returning to stand-up two years ago. It was a confidence builder to do a good 15 minute set again. The crowd was with me, and I had a lot of material left in the bag. I worked totally clean, and used roughly half of my act. Now I have the evidence to back-up my claim that I can still be a feature (a.k.a., middle) act.

Another cool thing about the Pure Comedy show is that the host/producer was a really cool guy, and all of the comics were positive and supportive. It's no big surprise to note that having a positive, supportive atmosphere is not a given in the world of show biz... and comics can be especially brutal at times.

I've got to have thick skin to make it through the negative stuff, since that's part of the deal. But it was nice to know that it's possible to have a show where the crowd is fun, the comedy is clean, and the performers are supportive.

And to top it off, Thor gave me an open invitation to return any time. He's doing shows once a month through the end of the year, so I hope to have that positive and supportive experience a few more times before the year is out.

Game Day!

2005-07-12T08:13:00.000-07:00

It's game day!

I've got a 15 minute spot at the Brea Improv tonight. That's the most time I've gotten since re-starting stand-up nearly two years ago. It's been a slow climb, but worth the effort. Days like this are the payoff. Have fun. Enjoy the ride.

It's game day!

In the pit of my stomach is that old familiar performance buzz. Some call it fear or anxiety. Not me. I call it... umm... well, I actually don't have a special name for it. Not off the top of my head, anyway. Let's just say that I like it. It's the same feeling I get on the day of any performance, and the same feeling I used to get when I was playing football... on game day.

Hence the title of this blog.

I'll get back to you soon on how tonight goes. No matter what, I'm going to have fun. That's the mantra, remember? And for those of you reading this who don't do stand-up comedy, it's not a given. Many comics do not have fun before, during, or after a performance.

Okay, maybe _during_.

But the age-old stereotype of the miserable comedian has its basis in fact. I'm not going to argue numbers. It doesn't matter what percentage have fun. All I'm saying is that it's not a given. And I know, because I was once in the category of comics who forgot the mantra. Even now, while experiencing this comedic rebirth, I still have to remind myself. It's easy to fall back into the traps.

But I'm not going to get trapped again.

Not for long, anyway.

There may be transgressions here and there, but I'm determined to enjoy the ride this time, wherever it might take me. After all, that's the whole point of life...

Enjoy the ride.

There are really no "destinations". It's just a funky little train ride. Look out the window. See the sights. Smell the smells.

It's game day!

Late Late Show (LLS)

2005-06-28T13:10:00.000-07:00

Gary Cannon wasn't working warm-up on the day I went to see the LLS taping, so in an e-mail prior to the taping, he asked me to let him know what I thought. I told him it was fun, and that his friend Roger (Lundblade) did a great job of getting us (i.e., the studio audience) up for the show (and keeping us there). I also told him that I liked it so much, I'd already gotten tickets for another taping (in July).

His response was more than I asked for.

He said he'd be back to doing warm-ups at LLS in August, and invited me to be his guest.

How cool is that?

Isn't serendipity a wonderful thing?

And how many more rhetorical questions will I ask?

Gary and I still haven't met in person, but we've established enough of a virtual relationship for him to toss me an unsolicited perk. Even though I don't know if that will give me any more "access" than a normal ticket holder, the gesture is cool. And, at the very least, I won't have to wait in line.

That's always a plus... in any context.

At best, it may mean a bump-up in access (e.g., hanging out with Gary before/after the show, meeting other crew members, going backstage, etc.). Those chickens are over the horizon one way or another (and I'm not counting them now). If it happens in August, great. If not, then some other time.

In the meantime, it's more than I asked for... just like being pulled up on stage on Tuesday.

I'm not going to call this stuff "luck", because it's not like these people wandered into my living room to nudge me along in Hollywood. It kinda has to do with me putting myself into various situations, and sending e-mails to various people. The only way "luck" might enter into it is in the context of my favorite quote on that subject:

"Luck is where preparation meets opportunity."

I'm finally feeling prepared. Bigger and better opportunities are just around the corner...

The catch is, there's no way to know which corner.

Hollywood Improv (6/21/05) [PDA Entry]

2005-06-22T23:42:00.000-07:00

[3:45 - Went to see the "Late Late Show" taped at CBS, making my National TV goal seem more real. Fun time.]

[8:00 show... Bonus... Got pulled up on stage by one of the comics. She had me cold-read the part of David Letterman. Foreshadowing? Don't know that yet, but I do know that it was fun (I was up there for her entire set!), and I got good feedback. One person I got good feedback from was the Producer of the show, Lesley Wolff. She's also a comic. I didn't give her a business card right after the show, but I did e-mail her the next day, requesting a booking. In her response (yes, another person who actually responds to correspondence), she told me I was "SOOO awesome", and that I should remind her in a couple of weeks for a possible booking in September. I'm not counting the chickens, mind you... but I'm jazzed. You know how jazzed I am? I don't normally use the word "jazzed". That's how jazzed I am. Remember that bit? Well, it's worth a rehash, I think. It's nice to see the door creaking open a little bit. And it's nice when an unplanned chain of events leads somewhere. Who would have thought that I'd get "seen" for my first time in one of the early shows because I was sitting in the audience, and looked a bit like David Letterman. There's not really a resemblance, but I am an old guy with short thinning hair. Would you have guessed on this scenario? Not me. I thought I'd be passing a showcase one of these days, become an Improv regular, and _then_ get on stage in Hollywood before 10:30. You just never know. Once again, John Lennon's words come to mind... "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans". I'm still going to make plans. Otherwise, I'll just wind up back on my couch doing nothing. It's just a reminder that things aren't likely to go _exactly_ according to plan. Right now, I plan on ending this paragraph.]

[10:30 show... I sucked. Oh, well. You need a character-builder now and then to make you work harder, right? The good news is that I didn't get all pissy about it. I kept in control (i.e., remained "professional" in some sense of the word), though I do want to correct the problem of bailing on my set in that room. Rather than sticking to the material, I ventured into savers and rambling. That might be okay during a "normal" gig, but one clue I've gathered about doing these sets at the Hollywood Improv is that I need to practice staying on course. This is all about preparing for showcases. And it's about remembering that the late show there is effectively a showcase whether anybody "important" is watching or not. I'll correct it next time. Stay the course. Don't bail on the set. Not only is it practice for showcases, but for TV, too. No savers. I repeat... no savers. It's a tough habit to break, but I have to break it. Just over the horizon, I may be getting a spot in "prime time", and I need to have the habit broken by then. No savers... no savers... no savers... Ommmmmm. Maybe I need a "sleep tape" that just repeats that over and over while I'm sleeping... "No savers... no savers... no savers... don't bail on the material... stay the course, grasshopper... Ommmm... when you awake, you'll be alert and refreshed, ready to face your next showcase... Ommmm... no savers... no savers... no savers...". Good night.]


*** Actual
Disease Control (CSI+American Idol)
[Silence]
Ipanema
[Silence]
Beatles... [partially, bailed before actually doing the voices]
The bit about quitting stand-up, then coming back
[Signs of life in the audience, likely just feeling my pain]
Dreams/Ballerina
[Someone may have snorted]
Dreams (kids - gave up)
[Tumbleweeds]
Football (USC motto)
[Mac started playing music... insult to injury]

*** Planned
Disease Control (CSI+American Idol)
Ipanema
Beatles
  - all 4 voices
  - Help!
Dreams
  - Ballerina
Dreams (kids - gave up)
Football (small)
Football (USC motto)
Football (NFL)
Football (USC Graduated)
Football (USC Bench)
ZipperTattoo
Food (Happy Weight)
Food (Ding Dongs)
Quitting (Elbow+Throat)

New Business Cards... Back to the Future

2005-06-19T22:45:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, Lynn Epstein handed me her card. It was a glossy card with her picture on it. I liked her card. Still do. So much, in fact, that it inspired me to make a card of my own...

It's hot off the presses. And the ones IRL are printed on glossy paper, with a white border around the edges. The border is pretty much a necessity, due to the precision (or lack of precision) of my home printer. Ideally, the card would have no border. Just photo from edge to edge. In any event, they turned out better than I'd hoped.

I love it when that happens.

Now I have something to hand-out when I'm in Hollywood. I also have my Beatles Complete DJ cards, which mention the fact that I'm also a comedian. But these cards are much better for making the point that I'm a comedian first... although the first point this card makes is that I was a linebacker at USC "back in the day". The second point it makes is that I'm a comedian, and have been since birth.

Okay, so I stand corrected. Sit corrected, actually. Typing while standing is awkward. And did you ever notice how awkward it is to type the word "awkward"?

The point is, I now have a card that's focused on the comedy part of my pursuits, with a couple of visual reminders of who I am: my past as a USC linebacker, and my current mug shot.

The USC part of the card is a good differentiator, don't you think? Why am I asking? I know it's a good differentiator. It's the thing that people remember about me. It's part of my brand recognition.

I may not have gotten a degree in marketing, but this is like Marketing 101.

Having USC highlighted on the card is also a cross-promotional thing. Now when I hand out a card at a USC event, it should have more of an impact. One of my goals is to speak at USC events, not to mention the fact (although I'm about to mention it) that I'm writing a book about my time on the football team at USC... so it all ties together.

Integration, grasshopper.

Anyway, it may seem like I'm making way too big of a deal about new business cards. But it's about more than that. It's about a new attitude. It's about setting goals, and taking steps to reach those goals. It's about consistent, daily action. It's about balance. It's about focus.

And it's about time that I go to bed.

Goodnight.

You Lose Some, You Win Some

2005-06-06T22:10:00.000-07:00

At the competition, I didn't finish in the top 4, so I'm not passing on to the next round. However, as a direct result of that 8 minute spot, I've got two more gigs.

One booking is from Bill Word, the producer of the comedy shows at Martini Blues. He's booked me to do a show for a couple's 25th Wedding Anniversary on June 28th. That's also my mom and dad's anniversary, which brought a lump in my throat when I got the booking. No need for details. If you know me very well, you'll know why.

The other booking is from Lynn Epstein, one of the comics who performed in the competition that same evening. She was one of the top 4 (I voted her #1 on my ballot), and books a room in Laguna Beach. I'll be there on July 13th.

Aside from the two gigs, I should also probably note that I felt good about the performance. It was all I could have hoped for... all any comic ever hopes for: laughs, applause breaks, connecting with the audience, being myself, improvising. It was my best set since returning to stand-up almost two years ago.

The only thing missing was enough votes to get into the top 4...

And money.

In fact, I ended-up paying to perform.

I was sitting with a couple of friends who'd made the long drive (thanks again, Alan and Mike!), and when the tab came, there were 3 cover charges. So, I paid $5 to perform. Not that I'm upset, mind you. Actually, I think it's funny. I didn't say anything to the waiter. The way I see it, the club owner and producer have a good thing going there, and I appreciate it. Normally, the pay-to-perform thing isn't something I condone. But in this case, I'll make an exception. For one thing, I think it may have been a mistake (since I wasn't sitting in the back of the room with the other comics). And even if it wasn't, I think $5 was a small price to pay for a fun evening, and a couple of unexpected bookings.

And remember, grasshopper, it's not about the money.

Not yet, anyway.

One of the mistakes I made "back in the day" (1986-1991) was that my primary focus was money. I worked on my act, and thought of myself as an artist, but my main target had to do with fame and fortune. I thought way too much about "How can I make a living at this?", as opposed to "How can I make myself better at this?". Even as I type this, something inside of me is rebelling, trying to tell me that I was really focused on getting better. Maybe. At times. But I still think that my striving for fame and fortune eventually overshadowed my onstage improvement. By the end of that "era", I wasn't having fun. Every showcase felt too damn important, which led me to being too uptight for them... and not doing as well as I was capable of doing. And on the rare instances when I did have a good showcase, I did nothing to nurture any business relationships that could have led to me making a living in showBUSINESS.

So remember, grasshopper... stay focused on being yourself, being good, and just plain being. Anything else is gravy. If fame and fortune happen, oh well. Fine. Take it. But don't dwell on it. That's a crapshoot at best. And we know that in a crapshoot, the house always wins in the long run. Not to mention the fact that the shooter isn't in control of the numbers on the dice.

Ah, to heck with the metaphors. Stay in the moment. Have fun. The end.

Competition

2005-06-01T22:07:00.000-07:00

I'm looking forward to tomorrow night's competition at Martini Blues. It's called "The Ultimate Laffdown VI". And even though part of me is saying "it's just another show" and "it doesn't matter if I advance to the next round", a bigger part of me is saying "bring it on!".

As a friendly reminder, I have no control over how people will vote. The only thing I can do is get up there and give it my best shot. Yeah, I want to advance. If nothing else, for more stagetime. It's also good practice for higher-visibility stuff. In fact, compared to a lot of gigs I've had over the years, this _is_ higher-visibility stuff. And as another comic told me years ago, it's best to approach every show as if it's your Carson spot. That advice may be dated as far as the Carson reference goes, but the sentiment remains valid.

So, to sum things up to this point...

I'm a comic!

I want to do well, and that means going up and having fun. Otherwise, I'd might as well just chain myself into my cubicle and drool myself to death.

It's not that I don't appreciate my day job. I do. It pays the mortgage, keeps food on the table, and stops me from putting too much pressure on myself about "this comedy thing".

But let's face it. I'm hooked. Hook, line, and sinker. I'm getting some old familiar feelings, along with some new ones. The old ones are the usual performance buzz, and the obsession with getting on stage. The new feelings are a kind of confidence I don't recall having "back in the day". Sure, I'd gotten to a point back in the last millenium where I felt good about my abilities as a comic. But it was on shaky ground. And even though I guess performers are always on shaky ground (Oh, oh! Watch the "self-fulfilling prophecy" in that statement!), it was especially shaky towards the end. Once Stephanie and I moved to Hollywood, without a clue about how to nurture a showBIZ career, every step I took felt huge. Every showcase was "the most important thing that ever happened to me". I'd wait months, then if things didn't go perfectly, I'd sulk and whine and suck down a gallon of cheap white wine.

So, what's different now is that I've got the day job, can visit Hollywood for the nurturing of the showBIZ career, and come back home to my loving family.

The showcases I get will still get my blood flowing, but won't disable me if things don't pan-out right away. Things are in a bit healthier perspective now. Tomorrow's competition is just another step along the long and winding road to wherever it is that I'm heading. It's important, otherwise I wouldn't be doing it. But no matter what happens, I'll live to compete another day.

With that said...

BRING IT ON!

"It's Getting Better All The Time..."

2005-05-25T01:10:00.000-07:00

Good night. Start to finish. Had dinner at my usual table, saw Louie Anderson in the lobby (thought he'd be performing in the first show, but that didn't happen), got comp'd into the first show (Thanks, Bob), got a compliment from the manager (Bob told me I'm their best open miker... and even though I don't consider myself an "open miker" in the truest sense, I do appreciate the compliment... especially since a lot of the comics doing the open mic in Hollywood aren't really "open mikers", either), once again got a good spot (#7... Thanks again, Bob), had a good set, had several people compliment me after the set (and one of those people offered me the opportunity to do 3 minutes for a comedy CD, to be recorded at the Comedy Store).

I apologize for the above punctuation mess... though it shouldn't really matter much... in this stream-of-consciousness mode. Back to the stream...

A door closes, and other doors open. Sounds familiar, doesn't it?

On the one hand, I feel really good about this evening. But keeping balance in mind, I'm not jumping-up-and-down-happy. Even keel. Not too high, and not too low. It sure does feel good, but I can't let it go to my head. I can't let it make me complacent. Exactly the opposite has to happen. Pedal to the metal. The time to work harder is when things are going well.

It'll be a trip going back to the Comedy Store after all of these years. Funny stuff. Once again, like with the Hollywood Improv, I'm walking backwards. A little over a year ago, my sights weren't set towards Hollywood. I was invited, in order to get a shot at Irvine (as you may recall from previous blog posts). Now, I've been offered a chance to circumvent the open mic process at the Comedy Store. We'll see what happens. Don't know if it's legit. For now, I'll assume it is. No big deal one way or the other. It's just another door creaking open. And I'm looking forward to going back to the Hollywood Store with a totally different attitude. I never did like going to that place "back in the day". Now I feel ready to walk through their doors with my head high. It may only be a one-time deal, or it may lead to other things.

You never know.

Maybe next Monday, I'll find out.

It was a good night.

"Now it's time to say goodnight..."

IMDb!

2005-05-23T21:58:00.000-07:00

After weeks of checking to see if my name had been added to the Internet Movie Database (IMDb), when I checked today, it was there! This isn't exactly about comedy (which this blog is "supposed" to be about). Nonetheless, I just had to mention it. In a way, it has something to do with my stand-up pursuits, since everything is connected. I found out that I could submit my name after stumbling into some "uncredited" listings for Flip Schultz (an Improv comic who's blog I've been reading). Their submission guidelines said that they generally don't give an uncredited listing unless an actor has at least one credited role. It was the word "generally" that made me say, "What the heck?!".

A friend at work (we'll call him Lawrence, because that's his name... as you may remember from a previous post) was about as excited as me about my new IMDb entry. So was my oldest daughter, Autumn. My wife went, "Oh... so... I've been thinking about going to the Street Scene this year". I keep forgetting that there are some things I shouldn't share with my wife. She's cool about me peforming, but really isn't interested in the details. I should leave well enough alone, be happy that she's supportive (to a point), and bite my tongue when it comes to the details. It's tough, because she and I usually talk about everything. Show biz is just something she's put in her past, and doesn't want to talk about.

As for me, I'm back in the saddle again, and riding higher all the time. The next goal related to the movies is to get a screen credit. Perhaps I'll need to get some auditions one of these days? Mmmmyeah... that might help. Don't want to wait for those door-to-door talent scouts to find me here in Oceanside. That strategy didn't pan-out back in 1991. There's no reason to think it would work in 2005.

Before setting my sights on movie auditions, I've got to stay focused on marketing myself as a stand-up. I'm heading to Hollywood again tomorrow, and probably next Tuesday, too. Even though they aren't doing the Improv Booking Showcases anymore (stay tuned for a new process), I still need to keep chipping away. If nothing else, it's stagetime. And you never know what else might happen. On June 2nd, I've got another spot at Martini Blues. This time, it's in a competition... on a Thursday night. It will be the closest I've come to a weekend since returning to stand-up. And it could dovetail into other gigs.

In a way, I have a lost opportunity to thank... or maybe not "thank". Yeah, forget that sentiment. I'm the one that chose to take a couple of my eggs out of the one basket they'd been sitting in. Forget thanking the person who's not being... professional? No need to look for synoyms or euphemysms... but I will. I may not "need" to. But I will. The point is that when one door closes, several more open. The person who's name I'm avoiding using here did me a favor... in a way. But no thanks are due. He didn't do me a favor on purpose. Enough said. Maybe more than enough said. Maybe not enough said. Enough said?

The snowball is growing... slowly but surely.

Did I mention that I'm in the IMDb?

Joe [tittering like a little schoolgirl]: Tee hee hee...

Mental Preparation

2005-05-18T01:11:00.000-07:00

It was a good night. And I owe it all to mental preparation. A few people in the audience and a #4 spot were frosting on the cake. Before the actual performing happened, it just all felt good. I went to sleep last night with the "proper" attitude, and it carried through the day today. At work, I was carrying myself in a deliberately confident manner... like an "as if" acting exercise. Whaddya know... act the part, and you become the part. Days like this make it all seem so simple. Aside from major catastrophes in life, most of what happens is about "choice". Attitude is part of choice. Today was proof. Tonight was gravy.

Said a few words to Flip Schultz just before heading back from Hollywood. I think I may have startled him at first. No big deal. I just hit him with an abrupt non-sequitor when I spotted him coming back into the lobby from the showroom. "I LIKE YOUR BLOG!", I blurted. The look on his face indicated that he was taken aback a bit. Then we proceeded to share a few words before I left. Hopefully, he doesn't think I'm some kind of stalker. Again, as my dad has told me for most of my life... I think too much. But hey, if I didn't think too much... I wouldn't be pursuing a career in Hollywood, would I?

Who knows why some other people perform up there. Not for me to determine. But I had an interesting conversation with one of the doormen up there, who also teaches at Pepperdine, and has a minor in Psychology. He wondered why some people would get up on stage week after week, bombing with the same jokes, and not change anything. He quoted the old definition of insanity: "...repeating the same thing and hoping for different results". I counter-quoted with a line from "American Beauty": "Never underestimate the power of denial". I'm sure the psychology behind crappy performers has been the subject of a few Psychology Theses. If not, it should be. There's a never-ending supply of people showing up in Hollywood... some good, and some really sucky. The allure is obvious. How some people can think they're so good when they're not is beyond me. I'll fight the urge to put myself in that category. Old habits die hard (namely, inaccurate self-ridicule). I know when I suck. With that fact in mind, there's still hope.

Long Layoff from Hollywood

2005-05-15T18:58:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday, I'm planning on returning to the Hollywood Improv for the first time since April 12. That's a long layoff, compared to the rhythm of the past several months. Compared to the break I took from stand-up prior to a couple of years ago, five weeks is a blink of an eye.

So, is it a long layoff or not?

And, more importantly, what difference does it make?

Long or short, it will feel good to head up there again. Funny, isn't it? Last year, I didn't want to go up there. Now, I have a hard time staying away.

Of course, Hollywood and I are "just friends". We have no plans for a serious relationship.

Hmmm...

That's what my wife and I both said when we first started dating...

Fifteen years and two kids ago.

I Spell Relief "S-T-A-G-E-T-I-M-E"

2005-05-11T01:19:00.000-07:00

Once again, just a little dose under the spotlight was all it took. A month away has now melted away. I'm a comic again. Okay, I'm always a comic... but it sure feels like I'm more of a comic right after a show.

I'll tell you more about the room in another post.

It's past my bedtime.

Performance Anxiety

2005-05-10T13:09:00.000-07:00

I'm chanting the mantra from yesterday's reminder ("Have fun, have fun, have fun, have fun..."), but it doesn't make the anxiety go away. It's just something that goes with the territory. Part of a classic love-hate relationship. Man, I love performing... but I hate this feeling in my gut.

Action is usually the best cure. On the way up to Martini Blues, I'll be able to relieve some of this gnawing feeling by running my act over-and-over. And even the simple act of moving closer to the club should also bring things down to a more pleasant level.

Adrenaline is fine. Jitters are fine. Getting excited is fine.

But this constant buzz of anxiety can be a bit annoying.

Once again, it goes with the territory.

I've never had a good performance without feeling like this to some degree. In fact, it's hard for me to even remember the handful of times when I was totally relaxed before a show. All I know is that it didn't work out too well. Maybe on those occasions, I was fooling myself into thinking that I somehow "had it licked". As if anybody can every "conquer" this thing...

Whatever "this thing" is.

The bottom line (if there has to be one... and apparently there does) is that I'm looking forward to tonight. Ironically, that's where the anxiety comes from. My favorite definition of anxiety is that it's "the distance between where you are and where you want to be". Right now, I'm sitting at my desk in the daytime at work... and I want to be standing on stage in the nighttime at Martini Blues.

[deep breath]

It'll happen soon enough. I don't want to wish my life away. Not even a few hours of it. So, back to work...

Reminder: Have Fun

2005-05-09T18:50:00.000-07:00

Why do I always have to keep reminding myself about stuff? Such is life, I suppose.

Tomorrow night, I'm going up for the first time in almost a month. The bottom line...

Have fun.

That's it. Nothing else. Prepare... sure. Fine. Prepare. Got it. Go over some stuff, get the attitude right, etc., etc., etc. But in the end, there's only one thing to do...

Have fun.

Now my work here is done.

Vacation from Work and Performing

2005-05-08T22:35:00.000-07:00

Haven't been to work in 10 days.

Haven't been on stage in 26 days... unless you count my schmaltzy (sp?) performance of "I Left My Heart In San Francisco" on the bus while leaving San Francisco last week.

Count it or not. No matter. If we stick with "the world is my stage" philosophy, I haven't missed a day yet.

This Tuesday, I'll be going up to Martini Blues for the first time. It will be nice to get some of my eggs out of the proverbial "one basket". Whether or not this new basket will be a nice place for my eggs remains to be seen. What's the worst that can happen? So, I break a couple of eggs. Big deal. There's plenty more where they came from.

Speaking of nonsense...

Believe it or not, I'm at a loss for words. Time to go to sleep, and dream that my first day back at work might actually be pleasant. Who am I kidding? Of course it won't be pleasant. Or was that "of course it _will_ be pleasant"? Now I remember. It's up to me. Geez. When will I remember that without forgetting it? Probably the day I die, if I'm lucky. Of course, how lucky could I be on the day I die? Depends on how you look at it, I suppose. And now, I suppose, it's time to stop this nonsense. Of course, there's plenty more of this nonsense to be had on another day. I just want to stop this particular dose of this nonsense.

So much for being at a loss for words.

But then, you didn't believe me in the first place, did you?

Smart kid.

Now get outta here.

I mean it, you knucklehead!

Scram!!

"Film" Study

2005-04-30T11:56:00.000-07:00

I've been doing a number of things on the computer today, while running a constant stream of various stand-up comedy shows on the TV in the background. It's kind of like "film study" in football. The more you watch, the better. Learn what to do, learn what not to do. And even whem I'm not paying all that much attention, I'm sure my subconscious is learning something.

Later today, I actually hope to spend some time on _my_ act.

In the meantime, life beckons.

Got chores to do...

Reminder: Enjoy the Ride

2005-04-28T05:41:00.000-07:00

Somewhere along the way, I started taking things too seriously again. It's a tough balancing act. On the one hand, I want to be good. I want to perform. And the more I perform, the more I want to perform. The snowball grows (in my head), and I start getting frustrated because "things aren't happening".

It's all in my head.

I have to keep reminding myself that there are certain things beyond my control. There's no way to make someone book me. There's no way to make someone put me on TV. There's no way to make someone publish my book.

It's okay to want these things, but don't let the desire for these things take over.

The #1 focus should be on the things I can control. Remember? Writing is strictly up to me. My attitude is mine, too. Rehearsing isn't anybody else's domain. As long as I keep focusing on doing whatever it is I need to do to improve myself, not only will I enjoy the ride more, but I'll also be giving myself the best chance of success on those rare occasions when I get to showcase my talent.

Yesterday, I played my guitar and sang in the backyard. It wasn't exactly a performance, but almost. We have neighbors, and the sound doesn't stop at our fence. It may seem silly to think of that as stagetime, but it had that feeling. I had to focus on my playing and singing without being self-conscious... that is, thoughts were creeping in about what the audience might be thinking, and I had to push out those thoughts, and focus on the playing and singing. That's where it felt like a performance. And even if I'm only doing voices in my car, or in the bathroom, it's all preparing me for my next showcase.

And you know what? I can't control when my next showcase will happen. Oh, did I mention that already? It's okay. It's worth repeating.

Slow down. Have fun. Get better. Focus. And above all...

Enjoy the ride.

No Stagetime, No Peace

2005-04-27T00:00:00.000-07:00

No, I'm not threatening to riot if I don't get stagetime soon. Though the thought has crossed my mind. It's just that since I've gotten back into the mindset of a performer, I'm a bit restless if I go too long between performances. Using "the world is my stage" strategy just doesn't cut it. It may help me prepare for my next time on stage (somewhat), but there's no substitute for the real thing. Not to mention the fact that if I truly treated the world as my stage (i.e., "always ON"), I'd be even more annoying than I already am.

The story for this Tuesday was that I was rarin' to go, with no place to go (up).

No Improv Jam at the Hollywood Improv. A lot of searching on the Internet yielded nothing in San Diego... or Orange County. I did find something up in LA, but didn't feel like making that long trek to some unknown club. If it sucked, that would have... sucked.

So, I hit the road early anyway (as planned), thinking I might as well head up to the Hollywood Improv anyway, just to hang out. Somewhere between San Diego and San Clemente, I decided against going all the way up there. Too bad I couldn't have dropped in at the Irvine club... just for a dose of live comedy... even if not from under the spotlight. No need to dwell on that situation. I'm not going to put myself in another awkward situation like the last time I popped-in up there.

So... I stopped in San Clemente, had dinner at Tommy's, then headed back south. Even though I'd resigned myself to the fact that there would be no performing, I still didn't feel like going home. Somehow, I wound up at the Pala Indian Reservation. I'd never seen their Casino. Thought there might even be an off chance that I could find a venue to perform sometime in the future. As it turns out, I don't think they're really setup for stand-up comedy. But I'm glad I went. It was surprising how much it felt like Vegas. I'll go back again sometime, and hang-out longer. This time around, I just played $10 in a Video Poker game, wandered around, and left.

After that, just some more driving, more thinking, working on my act, my strategy, my confidence, my reason for being... you know... the usual.

Now I'm in the home office, blogging.

I'll probably just shutdown for the evening after this post. I was going to work on my act, and on my book... but I'm not in the mood. Tomorrow morning, I'll be dialing into an all-day meeting... so I guess I should get some sleep.

I've got a vacation coming up, and will rearrange my act then. No stagetime until May 10th (at Martini Blues), since I'll be in Northern California next week on a school field trip. At least I know I've got one booking in May and June. It may not be much, but it's better than nothing.

Remember... there's no time limit. Remember? Good. And good night.

New Look (Buzzzzz...)

2005-04-26T23:51:00.000-07:00

Here's a before & after...

And a couple more from the lineup ("Turn to the right!!")...

Comedy Store -- No Plug (or No Outlet?)

2005-04-25T00:16:00.000-07:00

After saying goodnight to my girls tonight (last night, it's after midnight, blah, blah, blah), I drove down to the La Jolla Comedy Store.

Lights out, nobody home.

Maybe it's all for the best. Or maybe that's just my rationalization.

And maybe I'll grow a spine someday, and stop having wishy-washy opinions.

Then again, maybe not.

The point is... on top of my head.

Which reminds me, I got a buzz-cut on Saturday. It's not, like, Marine short. I asked the barber to cut it down to about 1/2 inch... which he did. Give or take. On the sides, it's less that that. On top, it's a little more. In any case, I don't recall having my hair this short. At least, not since I was an infant. But since I don't recall that, my statement stands.

Back to the Comedy Store...

Actually, I'm not back to the Comedy Store. When I got there at 10:30, the show was over. No signs of life. I peeked through the big pane glass window at the front of the club, and nobody was in the chairs. Nobody was on stage, either. That last part doesn't go without saying. At the end of an open mic (or "Potluck") show, it's not unusual to have a room full of empty chairs with a comic on stage.

So...

I'm still unplugged.

Which brings me to my first point...

Maybe it's all for the best.

The reason I say that is because I was feeling a _lot_ of anxiety today about going down there. I kept telling myself how silly that was, considering I've been exposing myself (AHHH!) in Hollywood for the past year. Why would I feel so anxious about going to La Jolla?

Perhaps I should ask my local psyciatrist.

I'm sure it has something to do with "going home". There's more pressure/anxiety/whatever involved in that kind of a venture.

We'll see what happens in the coming weeks/months/years. I'm still not interested in giving up family time on Sunday to wait around in the Vons parking lot for the Comedy Store to open. If that's my only chance of getting some extra workout time at a real comedy venue in San Diego, then I'm not going to be getting extra workout time at a real comedy venue in San Diego.

The only chance I can see at getting stagetime at the Store that fits my needs/desires/wants/whatevers is if their business picks up over the summer. That's a possibility. Maybe they don't roll up the streets in La Jolla at 10:30 in the summertime. More to the point, maybe the Store has customers after 10:30 in the summertime.

If not, that was a short re-visiting of the old stomping grounds.

Time to re-focus on Tuesday in Hollywood.

The Comedy Store (Plugging Back In?)

2005-04-23T20:54:00.000-07:00

I'm planning on going to the Comedy Store in La Jolla tomorrow night. In keeping with the theme of my previous post ("Priorities... Family First"), I'll be leaving after the girls go to bed.

I contacted Wally Wang, to see about getting a recommendation for performing in the late show. He provided some info on who to contact, when to show up, etc. I guess it's the usual ropes again. That is, no short-cut. It never hurts to ask. And if it does hurt, it's not a place I want to be.

Anyway, I wasn't looking for a huge leg-up from Wally. I just wanted to skip the usual afternoon in-person sign-up for the 7:00 open mic, and proceed to the late show on Sunday. Again, in keeping with the "Family First" theme. I don't want to hang out half of the day on Sunday for a spot. I'm just looking for late workout spots. So, I'll see if the manager will allow me to sign-up by phone for a spot near closing time. If he doesn't, I'll be willing to show up once for a showcase. But after that, my boundary will go back up between Family and Fantasy... er, ShowBiz.

No matter what the result of my phone call is tomorrow, I'm going to hit the club after the girls hit the sack. The moratorium is over. I'm still not a huge fan of Mitzi, but that doesn't matter. She's probably not a big fan of me, either.

Priorities... Family First

2005-04-20T12:17:00.000-07:00

Last night, I didn't go to Hollywood. Instead, I went to a meeting at my daughters' school.

The decision was a no-brainer.

And that's good news... to me. It means I have my priorities straight.

Nothing against somebody who would have driven up to Hollywood instead. This has to do with my priorities. Nobody else's priorities matter when it comes to my juggling act.

Throughout the day yesterday, I still continued to work on my act. Remember, boys and girls, you're always in control of how much you write, vocalize, sing, dance, etc., etc., etc.

So, rather than performing/testing my newest material last night, I'll perform/test it next week. Nothing was "sacrificed" by going to a meeting at my daughters' school. Yesterday was actually the best of both worlds.

Oh, and I went to work, too.

Would you like to guess where the day job fits into the list of priorities?

Speaking of a "no-brainer".

Positive Voice?

2005-04-19T00:23:00.000-07:00

Did I already mention a recent choice?
The one to have a positive voice?

I didn't start out here meaning to rhyme.
It just came out that way, look at the time!

It's after midnight, not too late for me.
But in the morning, I have got to be
up early for yet another big test
of patience, mostly, I shouldn't protest.

The coin they pay me is rather obscene
considering just how useless I've been
for days and weeks and months at a time
it's made me crazy enough to bust rhyme.

So much for the positive voice choice I made
perhaps that can wait `til I'm out of the shade
to work on the habit of stopping the hating
it's taken some years to build up the berating.

Before I embarrass myself any more
it's time to hit "Publish" and walk out the door
from office to downstairs to couch and to sleep
to dream I have patience until the clock beep.

---

And now a bedtime prayer:

Please, Lord... don't make me do that again.

Opening Up to Comments

2005-04-18T23:56:00.000-07:00

Since I started this blog, comments have only been allowed by members of the blog. Make that "member"... singular. The only member was my daughter. Even though I knew that "the true spirit" of blogging means opening yourself up to comments, for some reason I hesitated.

Not anymore.

Whether or not I get comments remains to be seen.

Even if I don't get any, the point is that I've jumped another hurdle. A mental one. The kind all of us deal with most often. Rarely do we see actual hurdles in our path throughout the day.

That would be silly.

What pushed me over the edge was a discussion with a co-worker today. Let's call him Lawrence... since that's his name. The more I made excuses about why no comments were allowed on my blog, the more I realized how lame I was being. I'm pursuing a career (or, at the very least, a glorified hobby) in Hollywood, and don't have the balls to find out what someone might thing of my blog entries?

Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself. At least I got a clue. Many more clues (hopefully) await. As Lawrence and I were discussing (in a rather lengthy diversion from "work"), improving yourself is a lifelong process. That is, if you're into that kind of thing.

So, this may seem like a small hurdle to any stranger reading this. It may even seem like a small hurdle to myself as I look back on this post. But for now, it feels like a big deal. Another door is creaking open... slowly but surely.

I can't wait to see what's behind the next door.

Reminder: The Man In The Arena

2005-04-15T17:14:00.000-07:00

Today, at my daughters' elementary school, there was a girl who sang "God Bless America" in front of several classes. I was sitting in the back of the room, listening to this brave young girl, and watching a group of boys in front of me laughing and covering their ears.

Cowards, not brave enough to do what she was doing, but bold enough to sit in the back of the room and mock her effort. It reminded me that at any given show, there will always be those cowardly critics in the audience. Nothing personal. It's just a fact of life...

The Man In The Arena
by Theodore Roosevelt (From a speech delivered in Paris in 1910)

It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by the dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who, at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly; so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat.

The happy ending to the above story is that the brave soldier on stage got a huge round of applause following her solo singing performance.

Her critics, of course, continued to mock all of the remaining performers.

Only In Hollywood... and New York, I Suppose

2005-04-14T17:14:00.000-07:00

What I forgot to mention in my last entry was some details of the Comedy Class Graduation show that Bob comp'ed me into.

For one thing, Richard Pryor's daughter was one of the performers. Her name was Rain Pryor... and it probably still is.

Tuesday night. Comedy class graduation. Richard Pryor's daughter. I'm not disrespecting that fact, mind you. It's just another dose of perspective. She's Richard Pryor's daughter, and apparently isn't on the list of Improv Regulars. And isn't performing in "prime time".

Another reminder to be patient, don't you think?

And in addition to Richard Pryor's daughter, a good portion of the Comedy Class Graduates were introduced with TV and movie credits.

Only in Hollywood...

And New York, I suppose.

The level of competition in Hollywood is obviously high. No news. I've been around the block a couple of times. Got that clue a number of years ago.

What was drilled home the other night is that every time you go around the block, you pick up more clues.

"Hollywood is competitive."

Yeah, yeah, yeah... I get it.

It's a simple statement.

And you don't even need to be somebody chasing a dream in Hollywood to understand that concept.

But the level of competition is what keeps revealing itself the more I'm in the arena. I mean, it becomes more and more obvious how high the level of competition is. Just when I think I understand, I get hit in the face with another example that tells me I've underestimated the playing field. If I'm not getting my name on the various lists up there, it might have something to do with the fact that the list of people who've been paying their dues up there is a little bit longer than I thought. Make that a _lot_ longer than I thought.

The cool thing is, in spite of the fact that I'm not getting on any of the "lists" in Hollywood (yet), I'm having a lot more fun up there than I did the last time around.

And in the end, having fun is really the only thing that matters...

Until something better comes along.

-------- Joe "If My Daddy Were Richard Pryor, I'd _Still_ Be Performing on Tuesdays" Palen

Hollywood Improv (4/12/05)

2005-04-13T01:09:00.000-07:00

Went up tonight... er, last night. It's past midnight. Technicalities.

I'm drunk. It's okay, though. I mean, I'm sitting in the cozy comfines (er, confines) of my hotel room. Travelling on business. Best of both worlds. Got to do a set at the Hollywood Improv (after sitting at my "usual table" for dinner), then threw back a couple of Foster's at the Hotel bar. It's always nice to be able to walk home after drinking. Fewer cops between the lobby and the elevator than you'd normally see on the road.

Not to mention that, oh, drinking and driving is bad.

Back to comedy...

I opened with the Beatles' voices. "There's no joke there... I just like doing that."

A couple of people clapped (recognition claps, or acknowledging my ability to do four different British accents, somewhat resembling the Beatles?). Then I quizzed the audience on a few things (like, does anyone have no clue what the heck I just did? who has a clue? who couldn't care less?).

Let's see... after that, what happened?

I quizzed the audience on something else... oh, yeah... like how many comics were in the crowd... "or, better yet, how many non-comics?". When several people applauded, I told them we'd set a new Tuesday record. And actually, I think we did. It was a decent sampling of non-comics, perhaps due to the fact that the early show was a Comedy Class Graduation?

In any case, it was a decent room when I got up there. And I got a good spot again... #2. Thanks again, Bob. He's the manager that gives me good spots because I spend money there. Sitting at my "usual table" has paid off in a way that I hadn't planned. And tonight, Bob even used the phrase "usual table" when I told him I was eating dinner... as usual.

What material did I do after the polling? And by the way, I made some mention like, "Why don't I just poll the audience for my entire 4 minutes?" That kind of comment was in the spirit of my goal(s) for the evening. Namely, bungy-jumping. A loose idea of what I wanted to do, but allowing for A LOT of improvising. The bad news is that some of my new material doesn't have jokes... better put, I haven't found the jokes in some of my new stuff. But that was as designed. I went up there wanting to get out of my comfort zone. Just like last week. Trusting that the jokes would/might arrive on stage. And if not, I'd improvise savers... as was the case tonight... and last week.

After the polling...

I think I used the line about being a "45 year old white guy... which trips me out... not the white guy part... I've been white most of my life". Verdict: That line has never worked.

Then I launched into talking about dreams... did the ballerina line... which worked.

Also did a remix of talking about quitting stand-up for 12 years, got married, had kids, then went back to doing stand-up because I got tired of feeling so damn good about myself.

Maybe I did that stuff before the ballerina line?

Oh... also ad-libbed something about fishing... the thing about "the worst day fishing is better than the best day at the office"... only related it to comedy. Don't remember exactly when I said it... again, no biggie... just wanted to record it from memory in some order.

Another thing I did, which seemed to work, was about having a wife and two daughters, but not being the man of the house. At that point, I got the light, and segued to football... a natural segue... something to the effect of "which is sad, because I used to be a football player... played linebacker at USC... the closest I came to fulfilling a dream... NFL... missing one thing... I wasn't good enough".

Leading to an ad-libbed closer...

"And I'm having a flashback!"

All in all, pretty good. A couple of people approached me (or said something in passing) in the lobby/bar area... like, "good job". Not that I need that (yeah, right), but it's nice. Okay, so I might need it to some extent. Or want it. That's better. I don't need it. But I do want it on occasion. What's important is that I stay true to myself. I'm not searching for an audience. My audience will find me.

Speaking of "needing" versus "wanting"... I feel like I wanted to drink tonight. I didn't need it. Kidding myself? Who knows? All I know is that I didn't drink for one of the numerous "wrong reasons" (e.g., pissed-off, depressed, wanting to drown my sorrows). Instead, I drank because I was feeling good, and wanted to catch a buzz.

Mission accomplished.

Joe "High on Life, and on Alcohol" Palen

PDA Entry: Hollywood Improv (4/5/05)

2005-04-06T01:10:00.000-07:00

[Keepers: Ashlee Simpson (big egg fart... stuffy nose)]

[Blog: I was the opener (at roughly 10:15 PM), so I threw in a couple of "howdya do's" at the beginning. These weren't planned at the time of writing on the napkin, because I didn't know I was going up first at the time. Or I did, and didn't think about it. In any case, I decided to add the "hello" stuff while I was waiting to go up. It was a good set. About 15-20 people in the room. They liked me, and I just adored them. Okay, that may be a bit over the top. That's okay. At the moment, a few hours after performing, I'm still a bit over the top myself. It was just what the doctor ordered. As usual. And the added bonus of being able to be home before I've been going up lately makes it especially nice. That was English, wasn't it? Not going to edit. You should know what I'm talking about, since you're probably me, only older. The thing I most want to report is that I did mostly new stuff, and felt VERY comfortable. I repeat... VERY comfortable. It's only a matter of time before somebody notices. In the meantime, I've got other irons in the fire. I've started writing my first book (my self-imposed deadline for the first draft is 6/1/05), made a couple of committments on projects with my dad (rework his book & begin collaborating on a sitcom script... both of which happened as a result of a lengthy cell phone conversation while sitting at my "usual table" at the Improv tonight), and I've got 2 dates booked outside of the Improv next month. It's a place called "Martini Blues". I found out about it by checking out the bios and resumes of comics I've seen at the various SoCal Improvs. I'm still not interested in performing at any and every so-called "comedy night" at your local bar and laundromat, but needed to do something to counteract my frustration with the lack of response from the guys booking the Tuesdays and Wednesdays at the Irvine and Brea Improvs. My initial reaction of asking them for feedback was a mulligan. At least that's the way I'm looking at it. I can't take it back, but I'm moving on. I'll still send them my avails every month, but no more extra effort. That one-way-street way of doing business sucks. This isn't about comedy. This is about business, and human decency. In contrast with the comics booking the Tue/Wed/Irvine/Brea spots (who are "too busy" to respond to anybody's e-mails), I've already had several back&forths with Bill Word (who's booking Martini Blues). In fact, I received two responses from him in a single day. That's two more than I've received from those other guys in months. So, onward and upward. Many roads lead to Rome. I'm pulling an end-around. Chances are, the next time I do Irvine and/or Brea, it will be when I'm booked out of Hollywood. Funny stuff. Joe gets clue. Joe snickers at the irony. Joe stops writing in third person. In fact, I'm done writing in any person... for now.]

NOTE: "<->" means tangent, then return to topic

*** Actual (transcribed from my skull)
How many of you first time here?
Comics Anonymous
Elvis
Ashlee Simpson
Beatles
- all 4 voices
Ipanema
Dreams
- Ballerina

*** Planned (transcribed from a napkin)
Elvis
Ashlee Simpson
Beatles <-> Bald, Happy Weight
- all 4 voices
Ipanema
Ballerina
Dreams <-> Keeper Wife, Mulligan Wife
Bulgarian
- still is
- emmigrants

Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005

2005-04-02T17:03:00.000-08:00

All you have to do is put a year after the hyphen, and you've said a lot.

I first found out that Mitch Hedberg had died when I went to the Improv web site, looking to see what's going on next week in Hollywood. What I found instead, on their front page, was a picture of Mitch Hedberg. Beneath his picture was the tell-tale year following the hyphen.

He was 37 years old.

You just never know.

Stephanie and I planned on going to see him last year. I can't remember why we didn't go to the show. It doesn't matter, I suppose. Just the usual human stuff. One excuse or another. Or maybe we actually did have something else going on.

Anyway, what I do remember was thinking, "We'll see him next time he's in town".

You just never know.

I was telling Autumn about a couple of other comics who died in their thirties: Sam Kinison and Bill Hicks. There have surely been others. But it's eery how the unique ones seem to leave us at such a young age. "The brightest candles burn the fastest." I know it's nothing new. Rock and Roll lost its share of young stars back in the sixties: Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin. Actors: Marilyn Monroe, James Dean.

The list goes on.

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."
-- John Lennon, 1940-1980.

You just never know.

Where Did March Go?

2005-04-02T16:50:00.000-08:00

No blog entries for the month of March. That might tell you how much progress I've made in the pursuit of whatever it is I'm pursuing in Hollywood.

Then again, it might not.

While my stage time isn't breaking any records, I've been focused. Writing, rehearsing, marketing. Part of my marketing is spreading outside of the Improv boundaries. I'm not giving up on the Improv. Just tired of the frustration I've been feeling by having all of my eggs in one basket.

My life may not depend on the progress I'm making in Hollywood. Nonetheless, my sanity may be at stake. And I can't let the opinions of a few people spoil my dream. If I let that happen, it's my own damn fault.

Some things I control. Other things I don't. I have to keep remembering to focus on the things I can control. The other stuff will take its own sweet time in parallel with my actions.

March came and went without much fanfare for me in Hollywood. A quarter of the year is gone, and I don't feel any closer to my arbitrary goal of getting on national TV by the end of 2005. Funny thing is, how would I know? How close am I? Am I five years away? Five months? Five days?

Speaking of things I have no control over.

And who knows how it will happen? Maybe I'll get on the "Absurdly Late Show" (thanks, Autumn) while I'm on my first book tour, promoting "Joe Palen On The Bench".

Many roads lead to Rome.

Wet Weather, Dry Month

2005-02-23T00:59:00.000-08:00

It's pouring outside. More rain than Seattle. No joke.

February has been wet as far as the weather goes. As far as stagetime goes, it's been the Sahara.

There's a chance I might get up to Hollywood next Tuesday. That would put bookends on February if this were a leapyear. Since it isn't, looks like my next chance for performing will be next month.

Sometimes, it just be that way.

A number of forces have conspired to keep me off of the stage. Important ones. Family matters. Work matters.

Work matters?

Not these days.

But that's another story.

After going to Hollywood on the 1st, the following Tuesdays were occupied by SUV-hunting, preparing for a demo at work, and Jordan's birthday. Aside from the work-related one, I have no regrets. And even the work-related one shouldn't be something to regret. Even though I'm heading for the exit in my current position, I've still got to be responsible.

Anyway, that's the story of February.

I've still been thinking about the dream, man. No worries about that. This isn't a sign that I'm headed for the exit in Hollywood. It's on my mind. I'm writing. I'm singing, dancing, burping, farting... honing all of the necessary comedy tools.

Now if I could only find my way back into the spotlight...

Without giving-in to the urge to go to the Comedy Store in La Jolla.

Hmmm... let me sleep on that. Never say never. What's my problem with that place again? Let's face it... it's just a stage. So Mitzi pissed me off. So what? I thought she used me, and the other comics. So what? We drank her liquor. We used her, too. Who do I think I am?

Hypocrite alert!

Anyway, it's not about her. Or the Store. Or the Improv.

It's about the never-ending battle to shape my own damn character.

And lately, it's been a battle.

I don't know where the "Ommmm..." of a few weeks ago went. I'm hanging onto the hope that I'll grab it back again. But that's only if I don't try too hard. Anxiety rules these days. Dad came to town, which was good. But leading up to his visit, there were bad memories. And even when he was here, and the anxiety of something happening before him getting here went away, there was still the anxiety of the memories. And of my dad not being able to sleep, needing to drive around Oceanside in the middle of the night.

It's easy to be enlightened on the mountaintop. Staying strong and focused in the midst of emotional turmoil is another story.

Add to the memories some of the current anxieties over my job, and finding a new vehicle for Stephanie...

Damn, I know... I know... I know... it's not life and death. Still, it's gnawing at me. The more I type, the more I realize how silly it is. And yet, it's been gnawing at me.

Maybe this blog post will help.

I'll have to sleep on it to find out.

Or maybe I'll have to perform again to lift the cloud.

Who knows?

Definitely not me.

As my dad said to me years ago... "You think too much."

Of course, thinking is good. But not when it's the equivalent of a dog chasing it's tail. Or, worse yet, a snake eating it's tail.

Time for bed. Sweet dreams... I hope.

Chris Rock Oscar Prep... Oh, and I Performed, Too

2005-02-04T01:43:00.000-08:00

It wasn't your typical open mic night. Well, most of it was. An endless stream of comics until last call. That was typical. But the third or fourth comic doing a surprise set to work on his Oscar-Hosting material? Definitely not typical.

Even in Hollywood.

Oh, sure... stars are always popping in and out of various venues around Tinseltown (does anybody still use that phrase?). And most of the people in those venues are accustomed to it. It's no big deal.

At least, that's how they act.

At least, I think it's an act.

So, Chris Rock did eleven minutes (give or take a few seconds) at 10:00 (give or take a few minutes), and that was that. Time to wait another three hours or so for my spot.

No big deal.

Yeah, right.

I've only told everybody at work about it. Told my family, too (of course). And here I am on Friday morning (the Jam was on Tuesday), still thinking (and writing) about it.

One thing that I'm thinking about is how it doesn't matter how big you are, you still have to go through the same process as the little hack wannabe comics to develop new material. The difference is in the results, the speed of development, and the ability to get a spot anywhere in town at a moment's notice.

Aside from that, it's the same process.

I can't wait to see how Chris does at the Academy Awards. If his performance is anything like the one at the Improv, it's not going to be your typical Oscar hosting job. They hired Chris Rock, and it looks like they're going to get Chris Rock.

At least, I hope so.

I'm not going to try and reproduce his material here. Let's just say that he's a funny MF. No news. Saw that when he was 18 years old, the last time I saw him live. That was at the La Jolla Comedy Store, a lifetime ago. Maybe several lifetimes. That's back when I was a doorman/comedian, and Chris hadn't popped yet. In the lobby, I told him how much I liked his stuff, and how cool it was that he was able to make "statements" without being preachy. That was the extent of our contact. He's since gone on to make his "statements" to millions of people, will soon be making "statements" to millions more in a single night at the Oscars...

After he's finished polishing those "statements" in front of dozens of people around Hollywood.

And to think I almost didn't go to Hollywood that night.

I'd called for a spot, but Matt Komen wasn't able to help me out. Said to check back in a couple of weeks. No problem. My call-in privileges are a new thing, I'm still low on the totem pole, I appreciate it when I do get a bump-up, and am not taking any privileges for granted.

With that said, I was pissed!

No, no, no... just an attempt at humor.

Actually, I took it in stride, and thought about heading to Ontario instead (since they haven't returned my phone call). Then I thought I'd rather call them again, or send an e-mail. How about Irvine? No chance of performing that night, but I'd gotten an e-mail from the club offering me free tickets to the Tuesday show (not because I'm a comic, but because I've been a paying customer on a number of occasions). I needed a night of comedy one way or another, performing or watching. And I might run into Kristian Vallee in Irvine (who's the house MC, and books a lot of the Tuesday shows there). But when I called, the show was sold out. Good for them, I thought. Sold out on a Tuesday. Good for stand-up comedy.

Anyway, after Plans B and C fell-through, it was back to Plan A... version 2. Drive up and hope to get a spot. If I didn't get a spot, there was always the chance that something interesting might happen. As I've written here before, the trips to Hollywood are always about something more than the 4 or 5 minutes on stage.

That was definitely true this week.

And if the show hadn't been sold out at the Irvine Improv, I'd have missed that "something more". Funny how things work out sometimes.

I know that there's stuff going on up there every day, so in a way I'm "missing something" on a regular basis. But let's ignore that fact for the moment, shall we?

By the way... I was #50 on the list, went up at about 1:30am, and had a good set. Not just in my eyes, either. Mac (the "sound guy" and MC) told me he thought it was my best set yet. Even though my main focus isn't to impress/please other people, it's definitely a part of the game.

And it's also nice to hear.

So, remember, boys and girls...

No excuses, man!

An audience of mostly comics is still an audience. You have to connect. It doesn't matter if you're Chris Rock or Joe Palen (I just wanted to see our names next to each other), you have to connect.

Sometimes, it seems so simple.

Comedy may be hard, but certain aspects are so simple...

Be confident, have fun... and connect with the audience.
Don't just talk in front of them... talk to them.
Pay attention... look and listen.

Oh, and did I mention "connect"?

In The Moment and Into The Future

2005-01-26T22:00:00.000-08:00

Another paradox: Live in the moment, and keep the long-term in mind.

I was just reading various articles about various stand-up comics... 12-year veterans, 15-year veterans... and it reminded me about my "place" in the scheme of things. I'm a 7.5-year veteran (6 years on, 12 years off, 1.5 years on). How good will I be in 4.5 years when I'm a 12 year veteran? How about another 7.5 years when I'm a 15 year veteran?

Doing it for a long time doesn't guarantee success. And there are some people who burst on the scene with amazing acts in a very short amount of time.

So what's my point?

As usual, the point is that there is no point.

The reason I sat down to record something for the second time today is that I was relaxed a bit by reminding myself about the lack of a time limit. And even though I need to be in the moment to be good at stand-up... or at anything, for that matter... I also have to remember that there's some amazing horizons awaiting me several years down the road.

As long as I focus on getting better, good things are going to happen.

Maybe not this month. Maybe not next month. Maybe not next year.

But they will happen.

And every step of the way, "good things" come in the form of a lot of little rewards from a lot of little audiences. Sometimes they come from singing in my car on the way to the Improv. Eventually, bigger rewards will arrive (oh, like, National TV appearances)...

As long as I keep working on staying centered, and thus (thus?) staying "real".

Oh, sure... I could get National TV spots as a neurotic asshole.

But that's so unoriginal.

Focus

2005-01-26T17:52:00.000-08:00

I'm thinking about focus today because I'm not (focused).

Part of my problem (if we want to call it a problem) may be sleep deprivation. Or it's just one of those things.

I guess we can't be totally focused 100% of the time, can we? Or can we? Can we? Huh? Is anybody out there? Is anybody in here?

Perhaps I should get some sleep.

"Slip slidin' away..."

Chomping At The Bit

2005-01-26T01:34:00.000-08:00

I didn't go up to Hollywood tonight, which is actually last night (1:40 AM... BEEEEP).

I also didn't go up to Irvine, which was "Plan B". Thought I'd hang out, watch the show, and maybe have a chance to perform if somebody fell out.

As much as I wanted to get back up on the horse after last week, it just didn't work out. Priorities, man. Priorities.

Had some work to do at the office, and (more importantly) had to go over some details with Stephanie about her new (as yet to be purchased) vehicle.

Hollywood ain't going anywhere.

Ommmm...

I'm kidding you (and myself) with the "Ommm" thing. I'm a bit antsy. Reaching to get back to being centered, but mostly flailing. That's okay. It's not disabling. Just a little annoying.

I watched "Collateral" a little while ago, just before the stroke of midnight. Great movie. Inspirational, too. Man, oh, man... I want a piece of that stuff. And why not? This ain't no dress rehearsal, buddy! If you want it, here it is, come and get it (Badfinger).

Even though I'm flailing a bit, I'm still more on-track than off. If that makes any sense at all. Does that mean I'm like a train that's only partially derailed?

In any case, I feel that little ball of energy inside of me that I mentioned last week. It's in there, and I have to use it for good, not evil.

So much of my life has been like the Tazmanian devil, spending lots of energy to spin around and around in circles, but not moving too far... eventually tiring of the spinning, slobbering all over myself, and going to sleep.

To heck with it. Why change. Time for bed.

HAH!

But seriously, me. This is different. It is. I should stop writing about it, and just freakin' do it. Or I could keep writing about it _AND_ do it.

Yeah, that's the ticket.

Good night, me.

Goodbye, Johnny

2005-01-24T16:12:00.000-08:00

It's the end of an era. Cliche, but true.

Even though he was 79 years old, his death still came as a shock.

Should we call it "The Day the Comedy Died?".

Whatever we call it, the words will be cheap. They always are at times like this. There's no way to dump our collective memories into letters and punctuation marks in a way that will give the uninitiated reader a clue about the significance of Johnny Carson.

So I'll stop my feeble attempt now.

Ontario Improv (Initial Contact)

2005-01-21T13:11:00.000-08:00

I (finally) called the Ontario Improv. Didn't get to talk to the person responsible for booking, but left a message with my phone number, website, and a quick FYI pitch about my campaigning at the other Southern California Improv locations.

I'm, like, fully recovered from this week's rejection. Unless you count the added determination I'm feeling to keep the ball rolling. I'd call that "recovered". Keeping one's head down (or inserted in one's ass) would be an example of _not_ recovered. Turning disappointment into added determination is, as I said, an example of "recovered".

The preceeding was brought to you by The Department of Redundancy Department.

Fight On, and on, and on...

Centered... Mostly

2005-01-20T14:15:00.000-08:00

I've gone up twice at the Hollywood Improv since my last blog post. Right now, I'm thinking it would have been nice if I'd blogged immediately following the performances. Oh, well. Can't go back and change that. So instead, I'll work backwards from the present...

Right now, today... I'm disappointed. As much as my attitude has been "centered" and focused in recent weeks, finding out that I won't be performing in the "Improv Booking Showcase" tomorrow night put a little damper on my mood.

Okay, a big damper.

Maybe a medium one.

This past Tuesday, I had as good a set as I've had at the Improv Jams. And in my opinion, I've crawled my way out from under the bottom of the pack. I left there thinking I had a damn good chance for a call-back... EVEN THOUGH I KEPT REMINDING MYSELF THAT I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER PEOPLE'S OPINIONS, WHERE I FIT-IN, ETC.

Okay, so the good news is that I was able to call-in for a spot for the first time. Matt Komen was kind enought to send my name to Reeta, and I got put on the list at #10... without having to go through the usual cattle-call lineup/scramble to sign-up.

And the good news from the week before is that I once again had a good set... with different material than I used this week. I thought that might count for something. Maybe it did, or maybe it didn't. Who knows. Just because I didn't get into the showcase doesn't mean Reeta isn't tracking the material I'm using. She was there during both sets, keeping notes (as she was doing for all of the other acts).

It's a little bit of a rollercoaster ride of emotions, but not a drastic one. Yeah, I'm disappointed. But no, I'm not discouraged. There's a big difference.

Deep down inside, I finally believe that I belong on this path. I belong at the Improv. And eventually, someone else will agree.

I don't want the positive gains I've made in my attitude to get buried beneath today's "setback". Strike that. It isn't a "setback". Just another test. Many more tests will come and go. That's the nature of the biz. And many, many people will come and go.

As for me, I'm enjoying the journey more than ever. It's all connected: family, day job, Hollywood. And lately, I've been fortunate enough to be in tune with the energy inside of me... able to recognize tension, and release it. Let the energy flow. It's helped my sets at the Improv, my singing at home, playing with the kids, solving problems at work.

It's all connected.

So, message to self...

Don't let one little thing like "not getting a showcase" destroy all of the enlightenment you've been feeling. Continue to be good. Continue to believe.

And don't forget to breathe.

"All The World's A Stage"

2005-01-07T23:23:00.000-08:00

It's annoying to be "always on". At least, in that annoying way we think of when we think of people who are "always on".

On the other hand, there's a more subtle way to be "always on".

With the proper care and feeding, an attitude can be developed that allows the world to be your stage without driving other people crazy.

At least, that's the theory I'm working on.

It's not about working on developing an act in a vacuum in the wee hours of the morning, in front of a mirror, in the bathroom, or while driving on the freeway.

It's about "being".

There's a certain way of thinking, feeling, breathing, wandering... sustaining an amused point-of-view... that will just naturally improve those brief moments under the spotlight.

At least, that's the theory I'm working on.

So, let's see if I can prove this theory. Think "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance". The vehicle I'm working on is myself.

Once again, it's nothing new. Just a friendly reminder.

If you want to be funnier on stage, don't work so hard by yourself on the freeway. Work on not working so hard at it throughout the day.

Be aware. Be friendly. Be amused.

And above all, just "be".

To Believe, Or Not To Believe?

2005-01-07T23:11:00.000-08:00

As much as I try convincing myself that I'm "worthy" of success, deep down inside, I still don't believe it.

Can you believe that?

In a way, that's a good sign. It means my ego isn't totally out-of-check. It means I have a somewhat healthy view of myself as an average Joe.

But it also means that I'm still clipping my own wings. The ceiling has been built by me.

When will I learn?

Will I ever learn?

It's the same pattern over and over again. Make the team, and sit on the bench. Learn to draw, then put away the art supplies. Become a decent musician, and hide in the corner of a deserted coffeehouse.

I feel like I'm on the verge of something. Like something's going to pop. But contrary to popular belief, the popping isn't going to happen "out there" somewhere. It has to happen "in here" (he wrote, mentally pointing inside of himself).

What have I got to lose?

My guess is that I might lose a lifelong belief that I don't "belong" in the places where I want to be. Aside from that, I can't think of anything else.

Surprise Performance (Serendipity, Baby!)

2005-01-06T01:40:00.000-08:00

I read my e-mail today, and saw a message from yesterday, asking me if I wanted to perform tomorrow.

Doh!

It was from Kristian Vallee. He books the "Hot Shots" shows on Tuesdays/Wednesdays at the Irvine/Brea Improvs.

To make a long story short, I got a spot. Six minutes. About 125 paying customers.

Fun, fun, fun.

Good times, and good preparation for re-entering the ionosphere (what?) at the Hollywood Improv next Tuesday.

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." -- John Lennon

Happy New Year (USC 55, OU 19)

2005-01-04T23:28:00.000-08:00

This blog is about stand-up comedy. So why is the title of this blog entry about USC kicking the crap out of Oklahoma tonight? Because that's all I can think of, that's why. And because I went to USC, that's why. And because I was a linebacker at USC, that's why.

Somehow, I need to tap into this energy more often.

USC won tonight for a number of reasons. Some known. Some unknown. One thing I want to take away from the post-game analysis is how much fun Pete Carroll has brought to USC.

I think that's one of the reasons USC outplayed OU tonight. They were loose. They just gripped it and ripped it. They let their talent fly. Fun, baby. Have fun.

It's a constant reminder for football, comedy, and life in general.

Grip it and rip it.

Next Tuesday, I'm going to act like Coach Carroll and his team when I go up to Hollywood. It won't be the first time I do that. Just another reminder. And it's what it's going to take to compete and win up there.

I'm coming off of the bench, baby.

Fight On!!

Holiday Slump

2004-12-17T11:14:00.000-08:00

I haven't performed since the AOL Showcase last month (November 23rd). Getting antsy. Yeah, yeah... I know... there's no time limit. Still, there's a limit to my patience. Gotta get back on stage... soon.

Looks like I'll be able to hit the Improv Jam in Hollywood next week. If I get a spot, it will be my first one since October 27th! This long layoff has been caused by me not getting a spot (on November 10th), me taking a break (see "Other Committments"), and the Jams taking a break (see "Holiday Slump").

It's not actually a slump on the part of the Improv. Holidays are busy for them. It's just that I'm not yet on the list of comics who get called to perform for the special Holiday shows.

Maybe next year?

Anyway, back to the topic of what I _can_ control...

I contacted Matt Komen and Bill Bowley to see about future bookings (since, as you know, it's difficult to pursue bookings in the past). Both of them said I should contact them again in a couple of weeks, after the Holidays. Matt's gave some additional info, noting that when the Jams resume (now on Tuesdays), the topic comics will be eligible for Tonight Show, Letterman, and Montreal Comedy Festival showcases.

That was enough to light a little fire under my ass during this stagetime slump.

So, I'm re-focusing on developing TV material, and re-organizing my development process. Sounds kinda techie, but actually, it's just a matter of sorting through the clutter of ideas for stuff that I think is worth developing.

I've also got to re-focus on my original goal of getting a week in Irvine. Actually, it's all connected. The better I do in Hollywood, the closer I am to a week in Irvine. I just have to remind Matt that I'm shooting for that. If I forget at times, he's likely forgotten, too.

All of this Hollywood-related stuff can fog your mind. Tonight Show? Letterman? I'd given up on those dreams years ago. Now the dreams have come back... through the back door. I didn't ask about getting a shot at those shows. The info was offered as part of my ongoing dialogue with Matt. Now that the prospect is on the table, I'm excited about it... but don't want to forget the basics (e.g., have fun, don't try to hard, there's nothing to prove to anybody else, etc.).

Still, it's cool to be playing in that arena.

But... if I don't pass to the proverbial "next level" in the near future, I've got to keep plugging away for my own reasons... into the distant future.

Showcases come and go. TV shows come and go.

In the meantime, I have to write, write, write...

When I'm in the mood.

AOL Showcase

2004-11-26T13:44:00.000-08:00

The AOL Showcase show on Tuesday night at the Irvine Improv went well. It could have gone better, but that's usually the case... if you're striving to improve, that is.

Post-Mortem: Started strong, lost 'em in the middle, then recovered a bit at the end (though not as strong as in the beginning).

Bottom Line: Had fun.

The coolest thing about the show is that it was a three-camera shoot, complete with a wireless lavalier mike to supplement the usual hand-held mike. Even if only four people end up seeing me via "AOL Keyword: Comedy", it was good training for a "real" TV shoot. And who knows, with all of the paperwork I signed ahead of time (including one that had something to do with AOL/Time TV), parts of this performance might wind up on edited into a cable stand-up TV show somewhere.

Whether it does or doesn't, it felt good. Mission accomplished... Had fun, got laughs, got "seen" by someone from Power Entertainment, and got added to the AOL comedy archives.

All in all, it beat the heck out of a usual Tuesday night (which normally includes attaching myself to the couch with Velcro, watching other people perform).

And an audience of forty friendly, paying customers was a welcomed break from the small gathering of comics in Hollywood on Wednesday nights. I must remember, however, that the Wednesday spots at the Hollywood Improv have opened the door for the "payoff" spots like this AOL Showcase.

My appetite continues to grow...

Re: Booking Request: AOL Showcases

2004-11-16T13:42:00.000-08:00

[On the topic of taking action (see previous post), here's a thread between myself and Bill Bowley (from Power Entertainment)]...
--------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 16 Nov 2004 13:42:48 -0800
From: Bill Bowley[+]
To: Joe Palen[+]

Done!
See ya' then
bb

-----Original Message-----
From: Joe Palen [mailto:joe@palen.com]
Sent: Tuesday, November 16, 2004 1:37 PM
To: Bill Bowley
Subject: RE: Booking Request: AOL Showcases

Bill...

Count me in. Next Tuesday (11/23). 10 clean minutes.

Thanks...

Joe

On 11/16/2004, "Bill Bowley" wrote:

>Hey Joe,
>I am doing another AOL show next Tuesday night(a week from today)
>Wanna' come do 10 mins clean?
>Bill
>
>-----Original Message-----
>From: Joe Palen [mailto:joe@palen.com]
>Sent: Friday, November 12, 2004 11:47 AM
>To: Bill Bowley
>Subject: Re: Booking Request: AOL Showcases
>
>Bill...
>
>I'd love to hit the stage in Irvine again soon, so I'm following-up to
>see
>if you've had a chance to view my online demo
>(http://palen.com/joe/video/JoeStandUpIcehouse.wmv) and/or talk to Matt
>Komen about me.
>
>Thanks again for your consideration...
>
> Joe
> http://palen.com/joe/comedian/